


Six Months of Torture

by jarediscronchtastic



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: And mentions of depression/anxiety, But both are same age, But not really the focus of the fic, Post-SQUIP/BMC storyline, The DEH storyline doesn't really happen, There are couples, Will Roland as Jared and Jeremy, changing point of views, rated for language, twins au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2019-12-29 01:46:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18297791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarediscronchtastic/pseuds/jarediscronchtastic
Summary: When Jared finds out that he has a twin, and the man who raised him is not his dad, he thinks that his life cannot possibly get any worse.  Except the next day, his twin brother Jeremy, along with their dad, show up, and he is told that Jeremy is to be staying with them for six months to try and heal after a mysterious incident.  To top that, Jeremy seems like a total jerk, so Jared relies on his best friend/neighbor/totally-not-his-crush Evan Hansen to help him get through the next six months.





	1. What the F*ck?

This cannot be happening.

 

Seriously.

 

What the fuck.

 

_ What the fuck?!??!? _

 

Okay, flashback to last night.  My mom came into my room looking pretty fucking scared.  Turns out, I have a twin brother.  _ A twin brother _ .  And I didn't even know until last night.  How fucked up is that? Apparently, Mom and  _ some guy _ had me and mystery twin, got divorced, then they had this genius fucking idea that they should split us up and never tell each other about it.  I have a brother in New Jersey who lives with our birth dad. And today, I'm going to meet him.

 

Now, of course, my dad, the guy I call ‘Dad’, the guy who  _ raised  _ me is also kind of stressed, except- and get this-  _ he knew too _ .  And didn't think to tell me.  He didn't think to tell me that not only do I have a twin brother, oh no, that's not even the worst of it, no, he didn't even think to tell me, ‘Hey, Jared, guess what?  I'm not your real fucking dad!’ 

 

Okay, but, like, other than that?  Dad is pretty cool, he's nice, funny, taught me to ride a bike, cook, find constellations, typical dad stuff.  But I wonder what my birth dad is like? 

 

I wonder if he ended up marrying someone else.  

 

Oh.  And another fucked up thing.   _ Mom used to visit them _ .  She'd say she was on a business trip or some shit, but my dad, the dad I grew up with,  _ Dad _ , knew.  He did. And I was just a dumb kid who thought: ‘Oh, Mommy is going to have meetings someplace cool!’ No wonder the majority of the first ten years of my life were just me and Dad, with Mom on the weekends and maybe  _ some  _ weekdays.  Fuckin’ hell.  I should’ve known.

 

I barely slept last night, wondering what the hell this guy is like.  Is he cool? Is he nice? Or is he a jerk? A Trump supporter?  _ Oh, God, please don't be a Trump supporter _ .  I wonder if he's Jewish, too.  Like, is my real dad even Jewish?  Hm. 

 

For the past few hours since I woke up, I've been texting my one and only friend, the dork, Evan Hansen.

 

I expected him to be on my side here, but he's all ‘Woah!  That's so cool! I always wanted a sibling! And a  _ twin _ ?  Jared, that's awesome!’  Ugh. At least he was sympathetic when I told him that Dad isn't my real dad.  He isn’t that close with my parents, and I guess Heidi must’ve known, but never told him.

 

I haven't said much to Mom or Dad, but they told me my brother and ‘dad’ are coming any minute now.

 

Oh.  There's one other key detail here.  My brother? He's  _ staying  _ with us.  Our dad is dropping him off because apparently my twin had something really traumatic happen to him and he needs a change of scenery or whatever.  I have no idea why he couldn't have just stayed at a hotel, or why our dad isn't even  _ staying with him _ , but whatever.  So why not stay with the brother he never met with his birth mom and step-dad?  Why the fuck not?

 

Oh, fuck.  A traumatic experience.  If that's code for ‘suicide attempt’ I don't think I'll be able to handle this.

 

Okay.  That came out wrong.  Listen. Here's the deal.  I love Evan. Not like that.  But I love him. He's my friend.  His boyfriend ain't too bad either, I  _ suppose _ (that's gonna take a little bit of progress), and both of them, well, both made an attempt to end their lives.  I don't think I'd be able to handle it if someone I might grow to care about hurts themselves, or learn they already have.  Call me a dick, whatever. I just… it's too much.

 

The doorbell rings and I flinch.

 

Mom hurries to open the door as I make eye contact with Dad who looks just as nervous and scared as I do.  I turn away.  _ Asshole _ .

 

“Hey!”  And there it is.  The I-am-going-to-pretend-I-am-really-excited-to-see-you-but-I-am-actually-faking-it ‘Hey!’.

 

And there  _ they  _ are.

 

A balding, kinda heavy guy gives an awkward smile, his hand on the shoulder of a boy who has my face, but is slightly skinnier and a good couple of inches taller than me.  Like. Half a foot taller than me.  _ How come he gets the tall genes?! _  He also looks petrified.  Everything about him, though, screams ‘cool kid’, except for his anxious face, something not too different than Evan’s on a daily basis.   _ Oh, I can already tell this is  _ not _ going to be good _ .

 

‘Dad’ nudges my twin gently forward.  “Jeremy, why don't you meet your brother Jared while your mother and I speak, okay?”

 

_ Jeremy _ .   _ Probably Jewish, so that's not too shabby _ .

 

Jeremy looks at me at last, his eyes widening.  He approaches me like I'm some strange specimen.  Hell, I don't blame him.

 

“Hey, I'm Jared, your twin brother, uh, so you already knew my mom.. that's.. uh.  That's cool…”  _ fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck.  Bad start _ .

 

“Jeremy.  Heere.”

 

_ Oof _ .   _ Clearly, he thinks he's better than me, speaking all monotonous and shit _ .

 

“Do people ever say Jeremy Present?” I blurt out.   _ I'm a fucking idiot _ .  

 

He blinks at me.  “No.”

 

“Heh.  Right. Um.  You wanna see your room?”

 

Jeremy nods.

 

I turn away from him, shaking my head to myself as we head up the staircase.  I don't bother to ask if he needs help with his bags and suitcase.

 

“There's your room,” I say glumly, gesturing towards the old den where Evan and I  _ used  _ to hang out.

 

“Thanks.”  He puts his stuff down, and points to something in the corner with a furrowed brow.  “What's that?”

 

“What?”  I follow his gaze.   _ Shit _ .   _ Evan's shirt. I have to return it to him.  Oh god, now he's gonna think I'm weird for having clothes that clearly belong to someone else in my old hangout room. _

 

I dart forward, grabbing the ridiculously adorable powder blue sweatshirt with little pom-poms on the ends of the strings, with little bunny charms.  I don’t even remember when or where he got it, but he loves it, even though he doesn’t usually wear stuff so cutesy like that. Not going to lie, it looks nice on him, and it surprisingly suits him quite well.

 

Jeremy watches, almost amused, as I snatch it with a blushing face.  “That yours?”

 

I shake my head, scared to speak.

 

“Girlfriend’s?”

 

That nearly makes me choke.  “No, it's.. it's my friend’s, actually.  He lives next door. I'll just, uh, take it to him.”  I wave the sweatshirt around, trying to ignore the fact that it smells like Evan.  “He's really cool, m-maybe you can meet him or something. He's really shy, though?  I dunno. But he's great, he's great,  _ real _ great.”  I clutch the clothing to my chest.  “I'll.. be back.”

 

He doesn't say another word and enters his new room, the door clicking shut behind him.

 

Quickly, I whip out my phone, texting Evan to inform him that I'm coming over.  I'm about to leave when I hear Jeremy speak. Now, okay, I  _ know  _ I shouldn't eavesdrop, but.. he's my  _ twin _ .  Shouldn't I get to learn about him in any way I can?   _ Shouldn't I?  _

 

“Hey, Michael… yeah, I met him… I mean, he's not  _ bad _ .” 

 

_ Ouch _ .

 

Jeremy laughs.  “I doubt it… I think he's gay.”

 

_ Wait.. what? _

 

“Seriously, dude, I'm telling you!  He brought me to my room and there was this sweater… no, like, it looked like a girl’s sweater, something Brooke would wear..”

 

_ Is that his girlfriend? _

 

“And then he said it belonged to his friend- a  _ guy _ … okay, but the way he talked about him?  No way was that heterosexual. Nuh-uh.” 

 

_ First of all.  First of all.. I do  _ not  _ have a crush on Evan.  That's preposterous. He has a boyfriend, for Christ’s sake!... okay.  Maybe a tiny crush. _ _ Tiny.  Teeny tiny _ .  

 

“I hate it here already, I want to just come back to Jersey already!... it's weird seeing my mom, dude.  But I think it's harder on my dad, you know? God, I can hardly imagine what it’s like for  _ Jared _ .  He's never even  _ met  _ my dad!  Well,  _ our  _ dad… Can't you come up and visit?  I'm gonna die of boredom. Plus, Jared is just.. I dunno, man.  He seems like the type of guy who jerks off to old pictures of his crush and is that annoying one in class who knows all the answers, but is also kind of a dick, you know what I mean?... Shut up!”  More laughter. “Seriously, it's shit here. I know I've been here for, like, barely an hour, but trust me, I know it's gonna be a  _ long  _ six months.”

 

_ Six months?!!?! _ _ Oh hell no _ .

 

Jeremy lowers his voice, so I have to strain to hear.  “I don't think he knows.”

 

_ Knows what? _

 

“I can't just tell him, Michael… I- it  _ is _ a big deal!”

 

_ Are there more family secrets? _

 

“I gotta go, dude, I have to unpack… okay, whatever, I'll try and be nice.. but no promises!... Come on, dude, he's  _ weird _ ... Hey!  I'm not being a dick!  I'm just saying!... What’s that supposed to mean?... Yeah, I took them this morning.  Anyway, maybe I can just sneak out of here or something… please come soon!... I'll keep you posted, keep sneaking away from him and Mom and Dad to text or call you.  There is no way in hell I can make it this long, seriously… alright… talk to you later.. see ya.”

 

Hurriedly, I sprint down the stairs, yelling that I'm going to Evan’s, and before anyone can tell me no, or even react in the slightest, the door already slammed behind me.


	2. I HATE JEREMY!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared rants to Evan, who doesn't seem to get it, as he gets more and more pissed off by his twin.

Teary-eyed, I knock over and over on the Hansen’s door.   _ Come on, come on, come on! _

 

Connor opens the door, his hair messy, sweatshirt half zipped-up and looking wrinkled.   _ Great.  I probably came right in the middle of their sexy times _ .  

 

“What do you want, Kleinman?” he drawls, tapping his foot impatiently.

 

I hope my glasses hide my tears, and I hold up the sweater.  “I have to return this.”

 

“I can-”

 

“No, I gotta see him,” I interrupt, pushing past.

 

When I get into the house, I breathe a sigh of relief.  No sexy times. Instead, there's a fully-dressed Evan fast asleep on the couch with a blanket over him.   _ Of course.  Just another one of their cute-ass rituals- Connor comes over every other Saturday to hang out and they cuddle and watch a movie, usually ending in them falling asleep before the movies finishes _ .

 

“Evan!”

 

“He's sleeping, you idiot!” Connor hisses, clapping a hand over my mouth.

 

I push it away, running to the couch.  “Ev, wake up, emergency!”

 

Evan groans, rubbing his eyes, a sleepy smile on his face.  “Oh, hey, Jare. Is- is that my sweater? I was wondering where it went!”

 

“Come on!”  I grab his arm, pulling him from the couch and leading him up the stairs to his room where I break down in tears.

 

Immediately, he looks concerned.  “Jared? Jared, wh-what the hell is going on?”

 

I fling myself dramatically onto his bed, sobbing grossly into his pillow.  “I can't fucking stand it!”

 

Evan sits beside me and awkwardly pats my back.  “S-stand what?”

 

I roll onto my side, holding onto his pillow with one arm, the other wiping away my tears.  “My twin! Jeremy! He came with my birth dad,  _ our  _ dad, and he's staying for  _ six months _ !  I heard him on the phone with his friend and he was saying all this shit about me, saying I'm weird and a loser and…”  _ and that I have a crush on you _ .  “And I think he's keeping something from me, like, a big, bad secret!”

 

He sighs, shaking his head.  “You're j-jumping to con-conclusions here.  Both of you are. You don't even know him, and he d-doesn't know you.  Just give it some time and you'll see, it will all w-work itself out. Maybe, m-maybe he's really great and is just scared to expose himself just yet.  Um, h-he could be like Connor, put up these walls and act all g-grouchy when he's really a sweetheart inside!”

 

Something inside me snaps.  “He's not like your fucking boyfriend!” I holler.  “He's not a depressed asshole drug addict, he's just a dick!”  I stand up from the bed, fuming, my face hot as I fling his sweater in the general direction of his desk.  I take a breath, combing my fingers through my hair. “Can I stay here? To avoid  _ him _ ?”  I turn around as I ask Evan, but he looks terrified… of  _ me _ .

 

“Y-you don't need to sh-shout,” he whispers, drawing his legs up to his chest.  “A-and that's not nice, talking about C-Connor or-or your brother th-that way…”

 

I make my way back to his bed, pretending I don't notice that he shifts away from me slightly.  “I'm sorry, I'm just really stressed out about this. It's all happening  _ so fast _ .”

 

“M-maybe he's just as stressed out and doesn't know how to h-handle it, so he's being me-me-mean,” Evan suggests quietly, biting his thumbnail.

 

I wonder if he's talking about me or Jeremy.

 

“Yeah… anyway.  I should head back over.  Sorry, I didn't wash your sweater, but, uh, there you go.”

 

Evan gets up as well, placing a warm hand tentatively on my shoulder.  “It's g-gonna be okay. If you need me, j-just text o-o-or come over. Y-you can even wave an ‘SOS’ sign out your bedroom win-window.”

 

I chuckle and nod.  “I might interrupt you and Connor goin’ at it with my cries for help about my annoying twin!”

 

He squeaks, smacking my arm.  “S-stop it! We d-don't have s-sex anyway, so there's nothing to interrupt,” he assures me with a bit of laughter.

 

I halt.  “Wait. Seriously?  You two never…”

 

Evan turns pink and shrugs.  “Well, w-we cuddle and kiss and stuff, b-b-but I wanted to, uh, take it slow.  And Connor’s been really cool about th-that!” He smiles and stuffs his hands in his pockets.  “I thi-think you two should try and be friends. You have a lot in c-common, you know. He likes joking around, p-playing video games, erm, I know you b-both like pot, even though I wish you guys wo-wouldn't do it… y-you also both like reading!”

 

I roll my eyes, but find it sweet how Evan cares so much, so I don't say anything.  

 

We get to the bottom of the stairs, and I give him a one-armed hug.  “I'm sorry for yelling at you. Keep an eye out for my ‘SOS’, though!”

 

He smirks and hugs me back.  “Will do. Good luck, and t-try to not be so harsh on him, okay?  He's also experiencing something crazy. I'm sure he didn't know he had a brother either.  Try and learn more about him and open up! He's your b-brother, after all. Maybe he's a good person, you just need to give him a chance.”

 

“I'll try,” I mutter.

 

Connor appears, joining us by the front door, and he puts an arm around Evan’s waist.  “See ya, Kleinbutt.”

 

Without bothering to look over my shoulder, I call back: “Later, Smurphy!”

\---

When I enter my house again, everyone is at the dinner table, glaring at me.

 

“I had to return something to Evan,” I grumble, letting the door slam behind me as I take a seat… right next to Jeremy.   _ Asshole’s sitting in my seat! _

 

Jeremy gives me a disgusted look before turning to his, er,  _ our _ dad, and asking for him to pass the Sprite.

 

_ Figures.  We only have soda in the house if someone important is over and we want to look like a normal American family with junk food stocked in our kitchen _ .   _ It probably means we're having ice cream for dessert, then _ .

 

I keep my head down for the whole meal.

 

My birth dad tries to talk to me a couple of times, but I give him a dirty look, and he backs off.  Mom mirrors that dirty look at me. I give it right back. Serves them all right for hiding something so fucking important from me my whole life.

 

The instant Mom and Dad start clearing the dishes, I bolt towards my room, hoping ‘dad’ leaves and I never have to see him again.  I don't need him in my life- he and Mom didn't want me to be in his life, either.

 

As soon as I get there, I lock the door, heading to my bed and opening up my computer.

 

And right as I do so, the fucking thing dies.

 

_ Shit _ .  

 

I reach around for where the charger normally is, plugged into the power strip in between my bed and my night table, but the only charger in there is the one for my phone.

 

_ It's in the fucking den _ .

 

Leaving my room, I tiptoe towards the den, hoping Jeremy isn't in there and is still downstairs or in the bathroom.

 

I ease the door open, and there he is.

 

But that's not all.

 

Oh no.

 

He's on my favourite beanbag chair, hands on my favourite sticker-covered controller playing my favourite game.

 

Oh.  Hell.  No.

 

Furiously, I stomp over to the TV, yanking out the cord, and watching as the opening screen for Batman: Arkham Origins disappears.  I grab the controller from his hands, kicking the beanbag from under his stupid ass, and find my charger, snatching that as well. I drape the cord over my shoulder, the controller in my jeans pocket (even though, like, half of it is sticking out), pick up the TV with one arm, the Xbox with the other, kicking my beanbag to the door.

 

Jeremy looks at me like I'm fucking insane as I spit out “fuck you” and bring everything to my room, kicking that damn beanbag down the hall with me as I go.

 

I carefully place everything down, setting up the TV, the Xbox, and the controller, fluffing up the beanbag, and plugging in my computer at last.  Immature? Sure. But does it feel good? A hundred times  _ yes _ .

 

Not even five minutes later, there's a knock at my door.   _ Great.  Jeremy tattled on me to Mom, or Dad, or even our birth dad. _

 

“What?” I bark, my eyes still on the TV screen.

 

Jeremy enters my room.  “Seriously? What are you, twelve?  Jesus fuck. I'm sorry I used your shit, but it was  _ there _ .  You didn't need to throw a temper tantrum.”

 

_ The nerve- _

 

“I didn't ask for this either, got that?” he continues.  “So if you don't act like an asshole to me, I'll let you have your stupid Xbox and you can hang out with your boyfriend whenever the hell you want.”

 

I calmly place the controller down.  “He's not. My. Boyfriend,” I hiss, slowly turning to look at him.

 

He puts his hands up in surrender.  “Jesus, okay, fine, chill, dude. I'm cool with it if you are, anyway.  My best friend is gay, and my other friend is bi, so it's fine.”

 

“I don't care about your gay friends, Jeremy.  Butt the hell out of my friendship.”

 

Jeremy shakes his head like he's an impatient babysitter dealing with a stubborn child who won't go to bed.  “Whatever, man. My dad is leaving now, so if you want to talk to him before he goes, knock yourself out.”

 

I narrow my eyes at him.  “Why would I want to talk to him?  He didn't want anything to do with me.”

 

“Hey, that's kind of unfair-”

 

“You got to at least know Mom as a kid!  You had her in your life. Meanwhile, I had a mother who disappeared on ‘business trips’ leaving me with the guy I thought, until yesterday, was my actual fucking dad!  You learned you had a brother, boo-fucking-hoo. I learned my entire family is one big fucking lie! My dad is not my dad, my birth dad didn't want me in his life, and my mom kept secrets, and I have a twin brother who thinks I'm a perverted loser!  So go say bye to him, but you're doing that without me because I can go my life without seeing his face ever again.” I go back to my game. “Or yours,” I add, glaring at the screen, trying not to cry.

 

Jeremy looks like he wants to say something, but decides against it, which is probably the best choice for the both of us.  He closes the door at last. I don't breathe until I hear his footsteps receding.

 

Once he's definitely gone, I count to five, then creep out of my room, tiptoeing to the stairs, watching as they say bye to my birth dad.  A sliver of me wants to be there, but I force it out and march myself right back to my room before I do anything stupid.

 

When I get to my room, I lock my door and head to my desk, rooting around in the drawers for my old flashlight from camp.

 

I go to my window, opening it, welcoming the cool breeze of April and check to see if Evan is there.  He’s at his desk which is next to the window, laughing with Connor.

 

I turn the flashlight on and off, but keep it inside my room, doing Morse code for ‘I hate Jeremy’.  

 

_.. / .... .- - . / .--- . .-. . -- -.-- _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared's kind of a drama queen, huh? 
> 
> Lemme know your thoughts, please! 
> 
> Next chapter is going to be from Jeremy's point of view...
> 
> -Jared


	3. So, my twin is a total loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy POV.
> 
> Jeremy reflects over the so-called shitty situation he's in.

I check my phone again, but there's nothing.  Not a single new message. Figures, everyone is probably asleep, it's two in the morning.   _ But still _ .

 

I roll over on the air mattress, looking around the room again in the dark.  I hate it. Way too much. I hate this, all of it. I never wanted a brother, a  _ twin _ , I never wanted to learn Mom left us to take care of my BROTHER.  I punch the mattress. It doesn't do much, and my fist just sort of springs back up.

 

Why does he have to be like that?  Jared? Why? He's this stupid, shorter, pudgier version of me.  I hate him.  _ I hate him _ .  Worst of all?  He reminds me of  _ me _ .  An obvious and hopeless crush, a total dweeb, seriously,  _ such  _ a loser, gets super awkward, and clearly has zero friends.

 

When I had the SQUIP, yes, I was a fucking asshole.  But I was  _ cool _ .  I had friends, people liked me, I could have any girl I wanted.  Well. Not necessarily.

 

After that whole thing was over, I  _ still _ had Michael  _ plus  _ Christine and the gang!  And, people still thought I was pretty rad.  Probably because I hung out with the cool kids, but, well, ya know.  Is my new confidence really such a bad thing? And is it such a crime to want to hang out with people higher up in the food chain?  I'm not a fuckup anymore. I wasn't with the SQUIP, and after the SQUIP, I'm still not. That experience  _ transformed  _ me.

 

I guess, yeah, I shouldn't have been an ass about Jared’s crush on his neighbor/best friend, but wow, he really needs to loosen up.  I swear, he has a stick up his ass, or something.

 

And there is that other thing I feel for Jared: pity.  I mean, come  _ on _ , the guy’s a shitshow.  He lived his life thinking the guy he lives with is his real dad, his mom isn't going off to see her other family, and he doesn't have any siblings.  Not to mention the fact that he's already doomed in life. He has a crush on someone who probably doesn't like him back, he acts like a child, and by what I've gathered, he's a serious guy.   _ Too  _ serious.  Can’t take a little joke or two!

 

It was hard for me to hear about Jared, it was.  Except for the fact that Jared found out all this shit  _ yesterday _ .  Me?  I've known since I was ten, when Mom left us for good.  Dad told me that night she left what was going on. I never seemed to actually care they both lied to me.  I still don't, not really. I lied to Jared about all that, about just finding out, about being hurt, etc. For years I begged my dad to take me to Mom, to take me to my brother.  I had fantasies about what he would be like; popular, athletic, maybe even rich!

 

But no.

 

He's some random guy in the middle-class suburbs of goddamn  _ Maine  _ who is going nowhere in life because all I can tell is that his talents include throwing a hissy fit and avoiding problems.

 

Talk about a massive let-down for me.

 

But I'm not being a jerk!  It's the truth, he's just a nobody.  Like I was before the SQUIP. 

 

Also, yeah, why the fuck am I even here?  Because I ‘need a change of scenery after my traumatic experience’?  Steaming load of crap. I'm  _ fine  _ after that whole thing, it was last school year.  Oh. That's the other annoying thing. I'm going to be attending the same school as him.  I can't wait for people to associate me with that loser, having to see him all the time. But anyway, I don't need a change of scenery.  But Dad thought I do. And he also thought it would be a lovely idea to leave me here for six whole months to ‘bond with my family’, which, apparently, excludes him?  He's such a coward, not wanting to be around Mom.

  
I turn on my phone again.  No messages.  _ Fuck _ .  I sigh, then close my eyes.   _ Please, please let tomorrow be a better day than today _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh, I know, this is short, I'm sorry! Also, Jeremy isn't supposed to be that much of a jerk, seriously! It just sorta... ended up that way? I dunno. :p I also set this in Maine... don't ask.
> 
> -Jared


	4. Bowling Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared expects to have a relaxing day, but then he learns that Jeremy has to tag along and inevitably will ruin his fun.

When I wake up, it takes a solid minute before reality comes crashing down on my joy of it being Sunday, the day Evan and I (and lately, Connor….) go out bowling.  There's a small bowling alley at the mall where I used to work at over the summer sometimes, and over the past few years, I would get Evan and I would drive us over, or, like when we were younger, we would take our bikes.  So yeah, I  _ was  _ pretty happy.  And then I remembered  _ Jeremy _ .

 

I get dressed in my one of favourite ‘bowling day’ outfits (a shirt that says ‘LET’S ROLL!’ with a pink bowling ball, khakis, and my lucky bowling pin socks.  They aren't that lucky, lately. Usually Connor kicks my ass regardless of what socks I wear.), and use the bathroom.

 

When I get downstairs, Jeremy is crunching away on a bowl of Froot Loops.   _ Mom got sugary cereal?! _  I'm tempted to sprint to the kitchen and grab a bowl, but I hold back.

 

Jeremy hears me coming and glances up.  “Hey.”

 

I just nod, gritting my teeth as I turn to get a bowl and a spoon, taking out the milk.  I sit with a seat between us at the dining table, pouring a hefty bowl of cereal, the milk making it nearly overflow.  I can tell Jeremy is watching me for a couple of moments, and I finally turn to look at him. “What?”

 

He shrugs nonchalantly.  “Nothing. Do you usually get up this early on weekends?”

 

I swirl my spoon in the cereal, not bothering to take another spoonful just yet.  “Sundays, usually. I, uh, usually meet with my…  _ friend _ Evan and his…” I inhale.  “His friend.”  _ Sorry, guys _ .

 

Jeremy quirks an eyebrow.  “Oh? Do anything in particular, or…?”

 

Wincing internally, I force some cereal down my throat.  “Bowling.”

 

“Bowling?” He echoes, a bit surprised.

 

I nod, embarrassed.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yup.”

 

Mom appears suddenly, and I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she brews herself a coffee, the low hum of the coffee maker vibrating in my ears.  “Hey, you two!” she chirps. 

 

_ She's up early _ .

 

“Hey, Mom,” we mumble in unison, then look at each other for a second before turning back to our food.  Neither of us moves to take another bite.

 

“Jared, why don't you take your brother bowling with you?” she asks in a sickly sweet tone.

 

I'm about to object, but I know how rude it'll be, and even though I doubt Jeremy wants to tag along, I know it will make Mom happy and get off my ass.  “‘Kay.”

 

She beams at me, then gets the sugar from the cabinet.  

 

“Uh, I usually meet Evan and, uh.. I usually meet them at nine which is in.. uh…” I look down at my watch.  “Ten minutes.”

 

Jeremy gets up, taking his now empty bowl to the kitchen.  “I'll get dressed then,” he says stiffly.

 

Once he's gone, Mom watches me finish my cereal as she stirs in her milk, marbling the black liquid until it becomes a creamy honey brown.  

 

I can feel her stare on me.  “Just say it,” I grumble, my spoon clinking against the side of the bowl as I drop it with a frustrated huff.

 

Mom adds her sugar, shrugging.  “There's nothing really to say. I just really want you to put in the effort to make Jeremy feel welcome, like he's a part of the family.”

 

“Oh, like you made me feel like I'm a part of the family while you kept my entire life secret for seventeen years?” Except I don’t say that, because I know it’s a dickish thing to say, and it will make her upset and probably ground me.

 

“Whatever,” I mutter instead, then head to the front of the house to put on my shoes as I text Evan, telling him we will have an extra player today.

 

Jeremy comes back as I finish lacing up my bowling shoes, and he looks down at them, then back up at me, his face a mix of disgust and amusement.

 

I don't give him the satisfaction of so much as an expression on my face, just look calmly back at him, then pat my pockets, making sure I have my keys, wallet, and phone.  “Ready?”

 

“Yep.”

 

We step outside, the sun making me squint, and walk in silence to Evan’s place next door, where he and Connor are already waiting in the front yard, Evan on his tire swing as Connor reclines on the grass, watching him with a gentle smile.

 

“ _ Friend? _ ” Jeremy queries under his breath, I assume a bit proud he discovered I was lying.

 

“He doesn't like people to know he's queer,” I explain.   _ Certainly not that if I told him Evan has a boyfriend he would probably think… well, I don't know what he would think.  I guess just think lesser of Evan. Or jump into yet another unnecessary conversation about Jeremy and all his gay friends _ .

 

“Oh, uh, hey!” Evan carefully steps down from the swing as we come into view.

 

Connor stands and stretches.  “Holy fuck, there's two of ‘em!”

 

Evan chuckles and brushes some dirt off of Connor’s back.  “C-Connor, this is, um, Jeremy, Jared’s twin brother. I t-told you he was coming, remember?”

 

Connor nods, surveying us both.  After an uncomfortable thirty seconds, he nods again.  “Freaky.” Connor claps a hand on Jeremy's shoulder. “I dub thee, ‘Tallass’.”

 

Surprising us all, Jeremy cracks up.  “Actually, one of my friends calls me that.  He's really short. It used to be his way of making fun of me, but now it's an affectionate nickname, heh.”

 

“Tallass and Kleinbutt,” Connor confirms, pointing to us both, respectively.  He turns to Evan. “And you, you own  _ my  _ ass.”

 

“Connor!” Evan covers his blushing face.  “Oh, god, Con, shut up,  _ please _ !  Not in front of a  _ stranger _ !”

 

Connor and Jeremy laugh at Evan’s groaning (which turns into laughter as well), and I stay silent.  Maybe Jeremy will become part of their little gang.  _ God, Jared, jealous much? _

 

I check my watch again.  We're already ten minutes later than usual.  “Alright, guys, let's get in the car,” I announce loudly.

 

The three look back at me, almost like they forgot I was there.  Jeremy follows me as we all walk back to my garage, Connor and Evan in the back, holding hands shyly.  Well, for Evan, it's shy. For Connor, it looks like he wants to have a shirt stating: I DESPERATELY WANT TO HUMP MY BOYFRIEND EVAN HANSEN!

 

When we get to my old, slightly rusted hand-me-down Toyota that's, like, at least ten years old, I stare at it for a moment, trying to think of seating arrangements.

 

Evan seems to sense this and chirps, “I-I can sit up front with you, Jared!”

 

I smile gratefully back at him, but that's short-lived because next thing I know, Jeremy is insisting that Evan should sit with his boyfriend, and he will take shotgun.

 

Grumpily, I open up the front door, unlocking the other doors and starting up the car.  I see out of the rear view mirror that Evan is all cozy with Connor as per usual, Evan in the middle seat with Connor on the left, with his hand on Evan’s thigh.   _ Ugh _ .

 

Jeremy catches my eye in the mirror, and I quickly focus on getting us out of the garage.

 

Once we’re out on the road, Evan reaches forward, straining against his seatbelt.  “R-radio!”

 

Rolling my eyes, I laugh and turn it on.

 

It blares some trashy rap song about a woman’s boobs and butt.  Quickly, Jeremy changes the station. It's the weather. He continues changing until Evan pipes up that he likes the song.  I don't know it, but it's definitely something he would like; peaceful piano and violin in the background as a girl sings gently.  I can't even decipher what the hell she's singing about, it’s the way her voice flows that makes it so pretty to me.

 

Jeremy appears to like it, too; he leans back, closing his eyes, tapping lightly along with the piano on the car door.  

 

Only Connor looks bored out of his mind, but he pretends to enjoy it, for Evan’s sake.

 

After twenty minutes, I park the car in our usual spot, smack in between the bowling alley and the nail salon that has been around since Dad has been really little.

 

“Alright, gang, this is it; welcome to Kingpin!” 

 

Evan whoops and Connor adds in with a ‘hell yeah!’, while Jeremy just smirks.

 

We go inside the small building, the AC on high, making me shiver slightly.  It smells like grape soda and nachos, mixed with a hint of sweaty feet.  _ Paradise! _  “Gentlemen, get your bowling shoes here,” I gesture towards Hannah, the girl who typically runs the shoe counter.  She waves and pops a massive pink gum bubble. “And snacks over there.” I nod at the vending machines which lead to the snack counter full of advertisements for popcorn, nachos, mini pizzas, pretzel bites, soda, you name it.

 

Connor dashes to the vending machines, grabbing Evan’s hand and pulling him along where Connor pulls out wrinkled bills like an excited kid.

 

“Seriously?”  Jeremy stares after them.  “They're getting snacks this early in the day?  Damn.”

 

I shrug, then walk over to Hannah.  “Hey, this is…” I take a breath. “This is my twin, Jeremy.”

 

Her jaw drops, and I can see the little wad of pink gum on her tongue as her glittery pink lip gloss-coated lips form an ‘O’.  “Dude, I never knew you had a twin!”

 

“Nor did I,” I mutter.  

 

“How come I've never seen him here before?  Like,  _ ever _ ?  Does he go to our school?  Oh my god,” she continues, seeming to ignore what I said.

 

Jeremy saves me from some of the awkwardness.  “I've been in Jersey all my life. I'm his ‘secret twin’,” he says with a wink, leaning his arm on the counter.  “I'm the better-looking one, obviously,” he adds smugly.

 

“Anyway!” I interject before one of them slides the other their number.  “He wants to rent some shoes for today.”

 

Hannah nods, coming back to Earth.  “Sure! What size do you need?”

 

“Seven, please!”  Jeremy looks over his shoulder as the others come bounding over to us.

 

Evan proudly holds up his bag of salted mixed nuts and his bottle of water like he got the rarest candy at Willy Wonka’s factory.

 

Meanwhile, Connor has his arms filled with Sour Skittles, M&M’s, Doritos, and a ‘small’ (20 oz) cup of what I assume is Coke, based on what he usually gets.

 

“Like day and night,” Jeremy comments, looking from one boy to the other.  “You're so skinny. Where does it all go?” He points at Connor.

 

Connor pales slightly, and Evan, Connor, and I all look at each other.  “He just has a really fast metabolism, isn't that right, Smurphy?” I exclaim, hoping to break the tension Jeremy unknowingly caused (and is probably oblivious to). 

 

Sparing us all from further discomfort, Hannah announces she found a pair of size seven shoes, and places them on the counter for Jeremy.  She sees the others and gives them a smile.

 

“L-long time, n-no see!” Evan jokes.  It's his running joke with Hannah, every Sunday we come here, one of them says it to each other.

 

“My, how you've grown!” Hannah giggles.  “And that's a nine… and an eleven!” She pulls out an additional two pairs for Evan and Connor.

 

I made myself a promise a couple of months ago that when Evan’s birthday rolls around, I will buy him his own official pair instead of borrowing the stinky ones from here.  I suppose that might as well have to include Connor…

 

They all get their shoes on, and Hannah pulls out a duffel bag with a bit of a grunt, heaving it onto the counter.

 

“Ah, my precious!” I chuckle at my own little imitation, then thank her, zipping open the bag of blue and pink marbled bowling balls.

 

When I first got really into bowling, Mom and Dad bought me my own bowling balls.  By the time it became apparent that I would come here every dang weekend, we all decided it might be easier to keep them there instead of taking them back and forth every Sunday.

 

I take a ball out, one by one, passing it to Jeremy, who hands it to Connor, who gives it to Evan, and so on until the four of us have one.  

 

“Teams, or everyone on their own?” Connor asks before slurping his soda.  

 

“I-”

 

“Teams,” Jeremy decides.  “Tallasses versus the dorks.”

 

Connor grins, and high-fives Jeremy.  “Tallasses for the win!”

 

Evan sticks out his tongue at Connor.  “You are m-my boyfriend, but that d-doesn't mean I'm going to be easy on y-you!”

 

“I thought you're always easy on me!” Connor exclaims.  “Oh, wait, maybe you're just bad at bowling,” he teases, then grabs the front of Evan’s shirt, pulling him towards him, and kisses the tip of his nose.  “Just kidding, just kidding!”

 

“We’ll see w-who’s laughing when we beat y-y-your asses!” Evan challenges, a playful yet determined look on his face.

 

“I’d love for you to beat my ass,” Connor smoothly replies, flashing him a big, goofy smile.

 

I roll my eyes at Connor’s little remark.  “Prepare to be crushed,” I confirm, patting Evan’s back.

 

Jeremy gives me a quick smile when he sees how close Evan and I are.  Maybe it's just me, but his smile looks almost  _ sinister _ .  “I'm not as much of a noob as you think I am, I'm a champ at Wii bowling!”

 

“Ooh, I'm  _ quaking _ !”  I head over to the little keypad.  “Ev, what’s our team name?”

 

“I like ‘Dorks’,” he admits with a slight chuckle.

 

“Dorks’… and ‘Tallasses’,” I type in.  “Alright. Tallass Smurphy, you're up first!”

 

Connor cracks his neck, then walks up to the oiled lane, letting his arm slowly move backward, then forward a bit, then a quick movement back before hurling it down towards the pins.  It's so close…. and then it rolls into the gutter. “Fuck!” He curses, then takes another ball. “Okay…” Connor tries again, this time knocking down five pins. “Argh!” He claps Jeremy on the shoulder.  “Sorry, man, we’re off to a shitty start.”

 

Jeremy grins and shrugs.  “It's okay, you're just not ready to unleash your game-winning power just yet!”

 

“Exactly!” Connor plops into a chair.  “I like this guy!” He pours some Skittles into his mouth.

 

Narrowing his eyes at the pins, I watch as Jeremy takes a breath, then flings the ball down, bringing down seven pins.  

 

“Yes!” Connor and Jeremy shout in unison, then laugh.

 

Jeremy hums as he prepares to roll the next ball.  “Come on…” The ball crashes against the last three pins, and he fist-bumps Connor, who then offers him some candy.

 

Evan goes next, taking a ball, his eyebrows furrowed cutely in concentration.  The instant the ball hits the pins, I jump up excitedly. “Strike!”

 

His eyes light up, and he claps happily.  “Yeah! T-take that, Tallasses!”

 

He gets a spare for the next frames, but it still looks very good for us.

 

We high-five as I head to the lane, running my fingers over the slightly scratched surface of my ball.  “Alright,” whisper. I pull my arm back, exhaling. 

 

I make the mistake of letting my mind wander in that split second before I release the ball, and an image of Jeremy telling his friends (I imagine them as the cast of High School Musical) about his weird gay twin.

 

The ball goes right into the gutter, and I clench my fist.   _ I can do this, I've bowled for so long, ever since I was eight _ .   _ Why would I get it in the fucking gutter? _  The next roll yields the same result.

 

In any other game, if it were just me and Evan, or Evan, Connor, and me, I'd joke about it, say it was on purpose or something, inducing some eye rolling and laughter.

 

But because Jeremy’s here, it's different.  I just stay silent, giving Evan an apologetic shrug.

 

The other two gloat, but I can't bring myself to care.   _ God, I can't believe Jeremy is ruining bowling for me _ .

 

By the end of the game, the Tallasses have won with a grand total of 167, the Dorks at 103.  I haven't gotten that low in so long. It was Evan who scored most of our points; I was too distracted by everything.  By him, by Jeremy, by how much I wish my life was normal and I could live in that fantasy world of my mom and my dad giving me a normal life, a life where the guy who raised me is regular ol’  _ Dad _ .  

 

“W-we’ll get them n-next time!” Evan states confidently, coming up to me as I clear our data from the little computer.

 

“Totally.”  It comes out far dryer and sarcastic than I intended, and I feel a bit bad, but not bad enough to say anything about it.

 

Evan frowns, his shoulders slumping.  “I know it's hard for you having him around… do you want to talk?” he whispers.

 

I use the back of my hand to wipe the sweat from my forehead before fixing my glasses.  “It's okay. Thanks.”

 

I can feel Evan watching me with worry as I go back to the others, who are seeing who can land more M&Ms in their mouth.  It looks like Connor is winning.

 

“Good game, my dudes.”  

 

Jeremy’s attention shifts to me.  “Sad you lost?”

 

“Honestly? I don't give a shit.  Congrats, again, Tallasses.”

 

Connor doesn't seem to notice that I sound like I'm fresh out of a funeral, and beckons for Evan to come over to him.  He does, and Connor pulls him down into his lap.

 

__I feel a gross, twisty feeling in my stomach.  “I'm gonna use the bathroom.  Be right back. Feel free to get lunch if you want.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bleh. Sorry, it's been a while, I tried to make up for it with a longer chapter. Some parts of this might not make sense because I know next to nothing about bowling, aside from the times I played when I was really young.
> 
> Hope you all had a happy Passover/Easter, if you celebrate either of those (or both)! 
> 
> We have too much matzoh left over, as usual. Sigh. Crumbs. Are. Everywhere. 
> 
> -Jared


	5. Bowling Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes to try and cheer up his friend.

Once out of view, I sprint to the men’s room where I lock myself into a stall and open my phone.  It's full of pictures of Evan and me, way back before Connor entered the picture, before I became a dick and fucking abandoned the best thing in my life because my stupid brain decided I had to ditch him to be ‘cool’, or whatever.

 

It hurts, seeing the pictures, but it also makes me smile, seeing our happy faces, as if nothing would ever come between us as best friends.

 

And now, now that I'm able to slowly be okay with Connor, here comes Jeremy, ruining everything.  He's the preferable twin, clearly. Funnier,  _ cooler _ , and  _ not  _ a grumpy third wheel.

 

“Jare?”   _ Evan?! _  “Hey, um, I-I thought I saw you run in here?  Are… are you alright?”

 

“I'm  _ fine _ ,” I bite back, sounding far more bitter than I intended.  I don’t bother apologising for my tone; I’m too tired.

 

I can hear the concern in his voice.  “Are.. are you sure? I'm worried about you.  You seem, uh, really tense. Is it because of your brother?”

 

I force myself to take a deep breath.  “Kinda, yeah,” I admit. Slowly, I unlock the door and join him as he leans against the sinks.  “He's just... better than me.”

 

Evan stares at me.  “What the hell are you talking about?”

 

I shrug, hugging myself.  “He's the ‘better twin,’” I say with air quotes.  “Effortlessly chill, handsome, funny, seems to have, like, a  _ lot _ of friends, everyone seems to like him  _ except  _ for me and that makes me sound like an asshole.  He also got to experience having a mom in the first ten years of his life, even if she bounced between our homes.  His dad is his  _ actual  _ dad, not like my dad who isn't even my real dad.  He doesn't have to try and everyone thinks he's so great!”  _  Plus, he probably doesn't have a crush on his best friend. _

 

Wordlessly, Evan pushes himself from the sinks and towards me, wrapping his arms around my shorter body.  Hesitantly, I hug him back.  _ When's the last time we had a hug like this?   _ “Don't say that,” he whispers.  “N-nobody beats my Jared.”

 

_ My Jared _ .

 

“Shut the fuck up,” I mumble, holding him tighter.  “I'm sorry I'm being annoying about this.”

 

“Y-you aren't.  It's okay.” Evan pulls away.  “Do you want to go home?”

 

I shake my head.  “It's fine. We can stay for a bit longer.  I'm kinda hungry, anyway.”

 

He nods and pats my shoulder.  “Let’s go eat, then!”

 

“Thanks for coming to find me,” I tell him, a bit embarrassed this all happened.  “You could have stayed with the others, but you came. Thanks.”

 

“Of course.”  Evan hugs me again, making my heart pound.  “You come first. I love Connor, b-but you're my best friend.  And Jeremy, well, I barely know him, s-so… of course I'm here to help you feel better.”

 

_ Holy fucking shit.  He's too precious _ .  “You're unbelievable,” I huff into his chest.  “We don't deserve someone as great as you in our lives.”

 

He laughs nervously and ruffles my hair.  “I'm very lucky to have p-people like you in my life.”

 

“I'm so sorry for making you feel.. unwanted.   _ Unloved _ . In the past.”

 

Evan pushes me away, his hands on my shoulders.  “St-stop that. We've grown up-”

 

“It wasn't even a year ago-”

 

“We've grown up,” he repeats seriously.  “Don't w-worry about it. We all grow up and change, whether it be in a few years, a couple of months, or even a day.  We're always improving, J-Jare.”

 

I smirk, cocking my head.  “Who knew you were so wise?”

 

Evan blushes, dropping his hands.  “Sh-shut up. It's.. um, it's just something I read in a book, it's no-nothing special.”

 

Shaking my head, I put on a broad (and only _ half _ fake) smile.  “Thanks again for finding me.  I'm ready to go back.”

 

He holds out his hand, and we do a sideways high-five, then hook our fingers together before bringing our hands together to do a thumb wrestle, which makes the both of us laugh as always.  His thumb presses mine down, our hands pull away, fist bump, then we make little explosion noises. It's a stupid handshake, but we've had it since we were little. It's the best thing ever.   _ He's  _ the best thing ever.  

 

We head back to the others, and Jeremy is typing away on his phone as Connor leans back in his chair, drinking up what appears to be the last of his Coke.   _ Jesus, that was fast _ .

 

As we approach, both look up.  Jeremy looks slightly annoyed, but Connor lights up when Evan goes to him.  

 

_ I wonder if that's the face I make when I see Evan; like a little kid on Hanukkah _ .

 

Connor pats his leg, and Evan awkwardly sits on his lap, making them both chuckle as I roll my eyes.  I think Jeremy can tell.

 

“I'm hungry,” I state.  “Pizza?”

 

Vigorous nodding from the other three, and I head to the concession stand and order three personal pizzas.  They're ready quite fast, and I carry them back to the others.

 

Connor, Jeremy, and I hungrily dive in, and Evan eats a few bites of it before pushing it over to Connor who practically inhales it without a second thought.  However, I notice and frown at Evan who pats his stomach, miming that he's full.

 

_ Come on, Ev, just eat! _  Even his pack of mixed nuts in his pocket look untouched.   _ I really hope he had breakfast earlier _ .

 

We all talk, and I mostly just chat with Evan.  Jeremy seems to have gained respect from the other two, who treat him like an old friend.  If Evan is only pretending to like him, it sure doesn't show. It looks like he truly enjoys Jeremy’s presence.

 

And that certainly doesn’t make me feel jealous.  Not in the slightest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's really been far too long.
> 
> -Jared


	6. Calm before the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared just really hates Jeremy.

 

A few hours after hanging around the strip mall, getting Pinkberry (which, for some reason, makes Jeremy very excited, and he takes photos of his fro-yo to, I guess, show all of his friends), and shopping, even though none of us actually buy anything, we pile back into my car.  Evan takes a nap, leaning against Connor, and Jeremy stares out the window for the whole ride, earbuds in.

 

It feels like I'm the only one in the car in this silence.  I could talk to Connor, but what about? How I am in love with his boyfriend?  Besides, I don't want to wake up Evan.

 

“First stop, the Hansen household,” I announce in a bland voice, parking in front of the modest home.

 

Connor nudges Evan awake, who yawns, then thanks me for the ride before the two clamber out and head inside.  I watch them go inside before driving for about five seconds to my home, past the sprinkling of trees in our large, shared backyard, and ease into the garage.

 

Jeremy is silent as I shut off the car and we unbuckle.  Before he gets out of the car, however, he turns to me. “Thanks for bringing me along.  I know you didn't want me to join, but it was fun. Your friends are nice.” He opens the door, then, without looking over his shoulder at me, he adds, ‘I can see why you like Evan.  He seems to care a lot about you, too.”

 

I'm too stunned to reply, just giving him a stupid thumbs up.  I unlock the door that connects the garage to the main floor of the house, and we walk up the four little steps to the living room.

 

Immediately, Jeremy goes up to his room, and I slowly walk behind him to mine.

 

When I get to my room, I close the door before going to the window to see if Evan is there.  He and Connor are kissing on his bed.   _Ew_.

 

Wrinkling my nose in disgust, I move away from the window, then walk to my bed where I pull out my laptop and finally start working on my homework.  

\---

 

My alarm wakes me up at 6:50 A.M. with ‘Good Morning Baltimore’ from  _ Hairspray _ , a song that typically gets me in a good mood in the mornings, but not today.

 

Today means Jeremy Heere is joining me at school.  Oh boy.

 

When I get down to breakfast, I look over Jeremy.  Good. We are dressed very differently.

 

For me, I'm in khaki shorts, and a graphic tee of the Abbey Road album cover, except it’s with  _ Doctor Who  _ characters, and, of course, my glasses.

 

Jeremy’s clad in loose jeans and a shirt with the  _ Supreme  _ logo.  And no glasses.

 

_ Hopefully, people will distinguish between us, so I won't have to be mixed up with him _ .

 

I drive Evan,  _ Jeremy _ , and myself to school, getting us there a good ten minutes early so that Jeremy can meet the principal and get everything in order.

 

As he's doing that, I wait outside on the main steps with Evan, resting my chin in my hands.

 

“Ma-maybe you two will get closer,” he tries to assure me.

 

I shrug.  “Maybe.” I watch as the first bus pulls into view.  “Ugh, he might act like me and get everyone to think I'm  _ him _ .  How shitty would that be?”

 

“Very shitty,” Evan agrees, raising his eyebrows.  “But he won't do that.”

 

I give him a sideways look.  “How do you know? It's  _ Jeremy _ .”

 

He gives me a shrug this time.  “That s-seems like something out of a movie, and you’re being dramatic, thin-thinking that the worst is going to happen.  Besides, like, I d-don't know. He just doesn't seem like the type to do something so ridiculously evil. He wasn't so bad yesterday.  I know you d-don't like him, but… he really wasn't all that b-bad, Jare.”

 

“We’ll see,” I mutter, unconvinced.

 

\---

 

I guess in the three periods we had apart, Jeremy has become the next best thing at this school.   _ Everyone  _ is talking about him like he's… what's that band people like?  BTS? Yeah, like he's BTS clumped into one kid from New Jersey.  People look at me in the halls with a mix of admiration and jealousy, like I'm  _ lucky  _ to have Jeremy as my twin.  Even some popular girl gives me a little wave and gushes about how hot Jeremy is- right in front of me!  

 

I wonder if that means people think I'm hot, too.  Or is it based on his personality? The fact he isn't short, slightly chubby, and wears glasses?  Well, the only person I care if they think I'm a hot person is Evan, so, like, whatever. I don't care.

 

It's lunch now, and I watch about a dozen people flock towards him and join him at a table, talking loudly.

 

Meanwhile, I sit with my friends at our own table.  Evan tries to distract me from how much Jeremy is getting on my nerves, and Connor tries to kiss Evan.   _ Ewww _ .  Connor’s sister, Zoe is talking to Alana, who is kind of everyone's friend, but not really?  She's alright, but I don't think anyone thinks of her as, like, a ‘bff’. It makes me feel kinda bad for her, but I don't think she really minds it all too much.

 

Alana is completely oblivious to Jeremy, knowing he's my twin, obviously, but not giving a single fuck about him.  Good for her, I wish I could be so nonchalant. She works on her homework while Zoe hastily scribbles down lyrics for her ‘next big hit’.  

 

I feel a tap on my shoulder, and turn to see one of the members of our basketball team, dubbed the third worst of the state.  He's pretty handsome, not that I'm interested or anything, but he's nice to look at. “Can I help you?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.  I notice, out of the corner of my eye, that Zoe and Alana both are trying to subtly check him out. I don't blame ‘em.

 

“Uh, Jeremy, right?”  _ Of-fucking-course. _

 

“No,” I say flatly.  “His boring-ass twin brother, AKA the pathetic one.”

 

“Jared,” Evan sighs.

 

Handsome Jock turns red.  “Oh, shit, I'm sorry!”

 

“I think he's taking a break from signing autographs,” I remark sarcastically.  “Want me to pass along a message from a fan of the world’s most interesting new kid from Jersey?”

 

He shakes his head.  “I, uh, this is embarrassing, but I was supposed to show him his locker and be his ‘buddy’ or whatever, help him find his way around the place, or some shit.”  He looks a bit sadly over at Jeremy's fan club table. “I didn't get to school until last period ‘cause my little sister had a doctor’s appointment, and now I'm spilling my business… anyway, looks like I'm not needed.”  He shrugs, and shifts his backpack on his shoulders.

 

_ Poor guy _ .  “What's your name?” I ask.

 

“Kevin.  Kevin Crawford.”

 

“Kevin Crawford,” I repeat slowly.  “Okay. Well, I think he'd be happy if you went over to meet him.”

 

“Really?”  He lights up.  

 

I nod.

 

Kevin flashes me two thumbs up and hurries over to the table.

 

I turn around to see four disappointed faces.

 

“What?”

 

They all look at each other, then back at me.  “Dude, you're giving him false hope,” Connor says finally.  “Jeremy’s probably gonna break his poor, pining heart.”

 

I roll my eyes.  “No, he's not. It'll be fine-”

 

As I say this, I hear jeering laughter and turn to see six-foot-five kinda buff Kevin Crawford running out of the cafeteria.

 

“That little bitch,” I grumble, then pound my fist on the table.  I wince, that was a bad idea. I stand up with a huff and begin to march on over there.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

I look back at Zoe, who spoke up.  “Going to show my brother that he’s a piece of shit once and for all!”

 

“You’re gonna get your ass kicked,” Connor calls after me.  I ignore him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh.
> 
> Sorry, it's short, but the next chapter will be longer. And will probably result in me getting hate mail. Hurrah.
> 
> -Jared


	7. The enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out.
> 
> Jeremy is a major asshole... 
> 
> (WARNING- offensive language, bullying)

“Jeremy!”

 

He and his brand new clique look at me, then snicker.  

 

“So, just wanted to ask, why are you such a dick?  That guy just wanted to be your friend! But what, he's not  _ cool  _ enough for you?”   _ Isn't that what I was like with Evan, though?  _  I shake that thought out of my head.

 

Jeremy stands up and walks to me, the others going, ‘Ooooh!’ like it's some elementary school showdown on the playground.  People in the cafeteria turn to look as well.

 

“Hey, Jared.  What's up?”

 

I clench my fists.  “Don't ignore my question.  Why did you do that?”

 

Jeremy simply shrugs, which pisses me off even more.   _ He didn't even have a reason?! _  “I don't need people like him in my life,” he sneers.  “Or  _ you _ .  You  _ or  _ your stupid little friends,” he adds, gesturing towards Connor, Evan, Zoe, and Alana, who have all appeared behind me.

 

“You seemed to think Connor and Evan weren't so bad yesterday, what the hell changed?  Were you faking it then? Or are you faking it now?”

 

He laughs loudly and comes up to me.  “You think I  _ liked  _ hanging out with you and those two losers?”  Jeremy scoffs. “As if.”

 

“Why are you such a dick?” I yell again.  “I get it if you don't like me, but they did nothing wrong.   _ Kevin  _ did nothing wrong.  You have no fucking right to pull all this shit!”

 

“You call me a dick, but I think you're the real enemy here, Jared Kleinman.”  He steps up onto a chair, then up on the table.

 

By now, the entire cafeteria has their eyes on us.

 

_ Where the fuck are the adults around here _ ?

 

“I mean, I know all about you.  I know your story, I know all your little faults, your  _ secrets _ .”

 

“You know nothing about me!” I holler, but I feel panic and dread twisting in knots in my stomach.

 

Jeremy clears his throat.  “I know that you spent your life believing your step-dad was your real dad.  Isn't that depressing?” He looks around, nodding, and people nod along with him.  “You know what else is depressing?” Jeremy raises his voice. “That he's ridiculously self-conscious, he can't stand himself, he hides behind sarcasm and sexual jokes, when he's really just a scared little boy who stress-eats and has no friends.  He rejected his so-called best friend Evan Hansen,” he points at Evan, who cowers, whimpering, and reaches for Connor. “Who, interestingly enough…” Jeremy gives me a shit-eating grin, giving me a look that says, ‘I'm about to destroy your life with these next couple of words,’ and I begin to sweat.   _ Please, please, please don't do this _ .

 

“Jared has a big, gay crush on.”

 

I take a step back, my face getting hot, my eyes burning as if they are on fire.  I can't even look at anyone, let alone  _ Evan _ .

 

“That's right,” Jeremy says in an even louder  voice.  “Jared Kleinman is gay and has a crush on Evan Hansen, the boyfriend of the boy Jared once called a ‘freak.’  He wasn't even friends with Evan before! He only spoke to him for his fucking car insurance, ‘pretend to be friends with Evan, and Mommy and fake Daddy will give you money!’ Now, isn't that fucked up?  Practically being  _ paid  _ to be someone's friend?”

 

Everyone,  _ everyone _ , except for my friends, boos at me.  Some even throw things at me, and I get hit in the face with a fucking apple, knocking off my glasses and slamming into my cheek, which I can only assume will form a lovely bruise soon enough.  A chicken leg comes hurtling out of nowhere, hitting me in the stomach as someone yells: ‘Fat-ass fag!’

 

Like the coward I am, I run, leaving my glasses behind on the filthy linoleum tiles of the cafeteria floor, and I hear them get crushed under a shoe.  When I look back for a moment, I see it's Jeremy’s sneaker that has broken my glasses into pieces.

 

\---

 

Panting, I collapse in a staircase, crying hard.  I rub my cheek, the one the apple hit, and grimace at the stain from that stupid chicken leg on my shirt.  

 

I hear footsteps, and pray it's the girls to help me, because heaven knows I can't face Connor or Evan again, not after all this.

 

It's not.  Why am I not surprised?

 

Apparently, running out of a cafeteria sobbing doesn't work as it does in the movies.  The enemy  _ follows you _ .

 

Jeremy and his gang stand over me.

 

“Tell anyone about this, and you're fucking dead,” Jeremy growls.

 

I can't even get a word out before a foot goes for my face.

 

Before I completely lose consciousness, however, I hear one interesting thing.  Jeremy letting out a shriek, followed by an almost terrified whimper.  _ What the fuck? _

 

And then it all goes black.

\---

 

I open my eyes to see I'm in the nurse’s office, blinding LED lights above me.

 

“Looks like you got into a nasty fight,” nurse Davies says, handing me a little paper cup of water.

 

I wince, sitting up.  “Yeah, no shit.” I take the water and down it in a second, then hold it out.  “Could I have some more, please?”

 

She nods and goes to the water fountain, refilling it.  “What happened?”

 

I recall Jeremy’s threat.  I have to tell her, but… “Some guys came at me from behind and attacked me.  I don't know who they are.” 

 

Nurse Davies frowns as she hands me the water again.  “You got hit in the face. You must've seen them.”

 

_ Fuck her, and her logical brain.   _ “They broke my glasses.  I'm blind, couldn't see ‘em.”

 

She sighs, rubbing her temples.  “Alright, I get it, you don't want to rat them out, but this is really serious, Jared.  I called your mom, she's coming to pick you up.”

 

_ Shit!  Mom!  _  “I see…”

 

“Your friends also wanted to check on you, they have your bag, plus… a new shirt.”

 

_ Right, I'm wearing chicken shirt. _  “Great.”

 

From blurry shapes, I make out the four familiar figures of my friends.  When an Evan-shaped blob comes into view, I feel sick.  _ No…  _

 

“Nurse Davies, can we speak with Jared in private, please?”  Alana asks sweetly.

 

She looks from Alana to me, then back again.  Finally, she nods. “Fine, but you have five minutes, and I'm going to be right outside the door.”

 

Once she leaves, I turn away from them.  “Could you guys just please drop off my stuff then leave?” I mumble.

 

A shirt lands on my head.  “Change,” Zoe demands, disregarding my question.

 

“Just… don't look.”

 

They turn around, and I quickly change in record time.  “Okay, now, please leave?”

 

Evan comes over to me, sitting on the little cot beside me.  I expect anger, but he surprises me with a fierce hug.

 

“I'm s-so sorry that-that happened,” he whispers, rubbing my back.  “Oh, Jare, I'm so sorry.”

 

“Get off of me!” I bark.  I'm not even upset, I'm scared.

 

Evan jumps back, eyes wide.

 

“Hey!” Connor chastises, his arm out in front of Evan, as if to protect him from me.  “Don't talk to him like that, asshole!”

 

“It-it's alright, C-Con.” Evan turns back to me.  “What he said.. I… it's okay. I mean, Connor and I have moved on from the way you were to us because, because you're really great, you've gotten n-nicer, s-s-so…”

 

My stomach churns.   _ He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows, he knows! _

 

“I guess the secret’s out,” Zoe says from her spot in the nurse’s spinning desk chair.  “That you have a thing for my brother’s boyfriend,” she clarifies, as if any of us needed further clarification.

 

“Thanks, Zoe,” Alana groans, perfectly speaking my mind.

 

“Well, we’re all thinking it,” she grumbles defensively.

 

“J-Jared, it, it's okay,” Evan says softly.  “Don't w-worry.”

 

I narrow my eyes at them all.  “I Don't. Have. A crush. On you.  He made it up.” I wipe my eyes. “Leave me alone.  Seriously, I mean it.”

 

“I-”

 

Connor puts a hand on Evan’s shoulder.  “Come on. He wants some space. We can talk to him when he wants to see us, okay?”

 

He nods but looks disappointed.

 

“Here.”  Alana holds out my pair of backup glasses.  “Connor broke your lock and I found these.”

 

_ He broke my lock?!  _  “Uh… thanks.  I think.”

 

She nods, then follows the others out.

 

I put them on.  They aren't super great, as they were the pair I had before my prescription was changed a few months ago, but they work alright.

 

Davies comes in and gives me a sympathetic smile.  “Your mom should be here soon. You're really lucky to have such nice friends, you know.”

  
“Yeah.”   _ But do I deserve them?  Nope. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh. Sorry about that chapter. 
> 
> -Jared


	8. What's the deal with Keanu Reeves?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy tells Jared the truth, who doesn't believe him at first.

When my mom picked me up, I told her the same lie that I told the nurse.  At least she fell for it.

 

After an hour of moping and feeling sorry for myself with a pint of ice cream in Jeremy’s room and kicking over various things out of anger, I head to my bed and cover my face with a pillow, groaning for minutes straight.   _ Fuck, fuck, fuck.  Evan knows. They all know, the whole  _ school  _ fucking knows _ .

 

The door opens.  “Guys, seriously, I told you, I want to be left alone,” I protest from beneath my pillow.

 

It's lifted off my face, and I'm looking up at  _ him _ .

 

“Get out of my room!” I holler, kicking pointlessly at my brother.

 

Jeremy looks almost… sorry.  “Jared, I know you're mad-”

 

“Mad?” I exclaim, laughing.  “ _ Mad _ ?  Dude, now  _ everyone  _ knows my business, and now, worst of all,  _ Evan  _ knows I like him!  Also? You told him I was getting paid to be his friend?  What the fuck was that all about? Not to mention, my good glasses broke, I got beat up, and, oh, I got threatened and left behind by my twin, the one I invited to fucking bowling.”

 

“Well, you never wanted me to come with you anyway,” he mutters.

 

“Because you're an ass!  And this only proves it!” I retaliate, angry tears coming to my eyes.

 

He crosses his arms, looking down.  “Jared… it's not.. it wasn't..  _ I'm _ not…” he takes a deep breath, then looks me in the eye.  “It wasn't me.”

 

I give him a fake gasp.  “Wait, are you saying there's…  _ three  _ of us?”

 

“I'm saying, I’m not in control!” Jeremy screams, his statement punctuated with a loud stomp of his left foot.

 

"Nothing you say will make me believe that _you_ didn't just ruin my life in five minutes of yelling at me."

 

Shaking his head, obviously frustrated, Jeremy balls up his fists.   “You remember how you were told I had some ‘traumatic experience’?”

 

I raise an eyebrow.  “Yeah?”  _ This is complete and utter bullshit.  Why am I still listening to him? Like I expect him to have any sort of valid excuse for being a dick? _

 

“Well…” Jeremy sits without permission on my bed.  “Fuck, this is going to sound like some twisted lie, but I swear to god, it's not.”

 

_ That doesn't help your case at all. _

 

“I took a pill!” he blurts out suddenly.

 

_ Great.  He's a druggie _ .   _ Fuckin’ wonderful _ .   __

 

He can tell I'm clearly put off based on the look on my face, and he waves his hands in front of him defensively.  “Not.. not like that. Okay. Um.. last year, this, this guy, my friend, well, he wasn't my friend  _ then _ , but he is now because it happened to him, too… he’s my bi friend, by the way.  Okay, anyway, he told me about this pill-but it's  _ not  _ a drug!  It's… a supercomputer.”

 

“A… supercomputer?”  I take off my glasses and rub my eyes.  I feel like I have a headache coming on.  “Sure. Okay. Yeah, of course. A pill-sized supercomputer.  Of course.”

 

He rolls his eyes.  “I know how it sounds, okay?  I didn't believe him when he first told me, either.  Basically, it's this computer that goes into your brain, and it, like, takes the form of this person that only  _ you  _ can see and hear.  It basically controls you, like a puppet, tells you what to do and shit.  I spent my Bar-Mitzvah money to have someone boss me around. And make me lose my best friend.”

 

I sit up.  “Pretend I believe you.  Why would you take it?”

 

“Because he told me, Rich, my friend, bi friend, he told me it would make me ‘cool’.”

 

“You ingested a computer to make you cool?” I ask to double check.   _ As if I wouldn't want that, too. _

 

He grips my blanket in his hands.  “Yeah. Worst mistake I've ever made.  Popularity and girls versus your best friend… always go for the best friend.   _ Way  _ more important.  Especially when the supercomputer intends to destroy the world, one squipped teen at a time.”

 

_ He's right about that.  Evan beats cool anyway _ .  “Hold on.”  I hold up my hand.  “What the fuck does that mean, ‘squipped’?  Did I hear that right?”

 

Jeremy laughs dryly.  “Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.  SQUIP. S-Q-U-I-P. Mine looked like Keanu Reeves!”

 

I groan, hanging my head.  “So… for.. what, a year? You turned into an asshole and got laid because you swallowed Keanu Reeves?”

 

He grimaces.  “Dude, that sounds so gross when you say it like that.  ‘Swallowed’?  _ Seriously? _   But, yeah.  I got to be surrounded by hot girls and get attention and get great grades, and even get fit, all because of a computerized Keanu.”

 

I look at him for a moment, and he looks right back.  I expect him to laugh, saying, ‘Ha! Got you!’, but he doesn't.  Doesn't mean it might not be a lie, though.

 

“I call bullshit,” I say.  “No way did that ever happen.”  I reach for my phone and look up ‘Squip’, yielding zero results.  Well, there are results, but it's just for, ‘Did you mean  _ squid _ ?’  With a flick of my wrist, I show him the screen.  “Bullshit,” I repeat. “See? Not even on the internet.”

 

Jeremy scoffs.  “You think a weapon like that would be on the internet?”

 

“Um, duh?  Everything's on the fucking internet.  Look. Hold on.” I pull up the search results for ‘Jared Kleinman’ to show pictures of me proudly clutching a small trophy for a bowling tournament at Kingpin a couple of years ago.  “Me, some kid in the suburbs, winning a bowling trophy at some tiny ass bowling alley in some tiny ass strip mall in some tiny ass town. Meanwhile, your crazy ‘Super Quantum Unit Keanu Reeves’ thing doesn't have anything.  Don't you think that's a little weird? I mean, if your story is true and all?”

 

He sighs.  “This was pointless.  Okay, it's not on the internet because the company made sure it wouldn't be.  They even made it impossible for anything with ‘SQUIP’ in it to show up online.  They have some wild tech, whoever they are. So, I guess preventing this from ever showing up was easy compared to creating a pill with a computer in it that made your brain basically hallucinate celebrities telling you what to do and shock you whenever you fucked up.”

 

“It shocked you?  Like.. electricity?”

 

He nods.  “Yeah. But I was able to shut it down.  Well, my SQUIP. Not the whole company. So were my friends.”

 

I put down my phone.  “How do you shut off something that powerful?  Surgery?”

 

“Mountain Dew Red.”

 

I can't take this.  I pull my blanket over my head.  “Bull-fucking-shit.”

 

“It's true!”  Jeremy pulls the blanket off of me.  “It's true, okay? Green activates it, red turns it off.  They had it canceled so people wouldn't be able to stop it, but luckily, my best friend Michael, the one I initially screwed over so I could be cool, he was able to get some!”

 

_ Michael.  Could that be… right!  Michael, on the phone with him.  Ugh. I wonder if he's a dick, too.  Wait... _

 

“So if it's all over, why are you still shitty?” I point out.  “Then your story  _ really  _ makes zero sense.”

 

His face goes dark.  “It's not completely shut off.  There are some specialized doctors for this, they said it would kill me if they tried to remove it.  So sometimes it comes back for a bit. I try to fight it, but it keeps clawing its way back.”

 

I flop back onto the pillow.  “So, what? You just keep some Mountain Dew Red on hand or something?”

 

“I try to.  But it's really hard since everyone who was affected has learned what kills it for a bit, meaning it's rarer than ever.  People have been studying it, to see what it is that makes it shut off, and they made some medicine for it, but it's not as helpful.  It only makes it go away for about a day. I didn't take my pill this morning, I forgot. I'm sorry about today. And, and before, too. I just… I'm way too guarded, and sometimes I act like I'm still controlled by the SQUIP by habit, even though I fucking hate it.  I'm really sorry, Jared. If it happens again, just... force me to take the pill, okay?”

 

_ A pill to counteract a pill.   _ I don't want to believe him, it's so hard, plus after what he said, all I want to do is yell at him, but… I have to believe him.  “Okay. Alright. I believe you. And… I…”

 

He stops me, putting his hand up.  “You don't have to forgive me. It took Michael and Christine, that's my girlfriend, by the way, and even Dad to forgive me for the way I acted.”  Jeremy gets up. “I'm really sorry about it all. Also, I told Mom already it was my fault. She already knows about the SQUIP stuff. Dad told her the other day, and she agreed it would be best if I stayed here, to get away, and hopefully, this place won't, like, trigger me.  Anyway, she's allowing me to cover your new pair of glasses.”

 

I open my mouth to protest, but he shakes his head.  He should be paying for it, after what happened, but he's also had to pay for so much as a result, pay for the mistakes he made with his friends and family.  However, it seems like this will make him feel better, maybe get rid of a bit of his guilt. So, I stay quiet.

 

“Thanks, Jeremy,” I say.  “Just, next time you see my friends?  Apologise to them, too, okay? Especially Evan.”

 

He winces.  “Fuck, I'm sorry about Evan especially, revealing your crush…”

 

I just shrug.  “Well, it’s out in the open now, so…”

 

Frowning, he goes to my side, then awkwardly pats my arm.  “I'm sorry again. And.. I'm going to find Kevin tomorrow. Make things right.”

 

I nod, almost… proud of him.  “You do that.”

 

“Yeah.  Alright, well.. see you at dinner, then.  I'm sorry, again.”

 

“Thanks, Jere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely hope that someone understood the reference in the title. Jeremy seems to also feel the need to add that Rich is bi every single time, and I couldn't bring myself to delete that small detail from my original draft.
> 
> -Jared


	9. Cafeteria food sucks, and so do I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are pretty awkward with the guys.

The next day at school, I don't say a single word to Evan.  Even on the car ride to school, I didn't speak to anyone, just hummed to myself to give some privacy to Jeremy as he apologised to Evan.

 

When we’re at school, Connor barely looks at me and stays close to Evan as much as he can, like he's scared I'm suddenly going to swoop in and take Evan away from him.   _ As if I could!  Me versus Connor, there's no competition, Connor would totally win.  He may be an asshole on the outside, but he's nice inside. Me? I'm an asshole through and through.  Plus, Connor is actually, and as much as it disgusts me to say this, attractive. And then look at this body.  Pft. _   Connor has nothing to worry about.

 

During lunch, Evan and Connor go to Connor’s car to eat, or so they say.  I assume it means a hot and heavy makeout session. Either way, it's their way of saying, ‘We don't want to be around you.’  And that's completely fair. I don't want to be around me, either.

 

The girls went their separate ways; Zoe to get in some extra jazz band practice, and Alana to study for a test she could probably do in her sleep.

 

Jeremy even went off to talk to that Kevin guy.  I wonder how that's going.

 

Anyway, that leaves me alone at our usual table, lamely picking at soggy fries and mozzarella sticks that are, for some mysterious reason, sweet.  This is why cafeteria food is shit. Nothing tastes the way it's supposed to. If only I had enough motivation to pack my own lunch.

 

I pull out my phone,  clicking on a random app, but my head is anywhere but here, and the screen goes dark from the lack of interaction .   _ Now what the fuck is supposed to happen?  Do I continue to act like it was all a big mistake, that Jeremy had absolutely no reason at all to think I like Evan? Or do I come clean and ultimately lose Evan, make Connor hate me even more, and Zoe and Al be disgusted with me for the rest of our lives?  At least it'll make me feel like I don't have this big, stupid secret stuffed up inside of me. Ha! Like that's even an option! It's best to just treat it as an unwanted boner; let it go away on its own _ .

 

\---

Speaking of unwanted, I catch a whiff of a familiar cologne.  Looking up, I expect Connor, the only person I know who would wear fancy pants cologne to try and cover up his weed smell, but it's Evan.

 

“Why do you smell like Connor?” I blurt out, not quite knowing why I just did so.

 

He smiles a little to himself.  “We just, um, c-cuddled in his car while we had lunch.”

 

I give him a soft grunt in response, not even bothering to try and come up with a polite reply.  “You know that stuff Jeremy said? Like,  _ all  _ of it?  It really was just made up shit, you know.”   _ Why the fuck did I open my mouth? _   I wish I didn't say that, I really do, but I did.  Well, shit. Now I gotta explain that I  _ don't  _ have feelings for my best friend.  Fuck.

 

Evan cocks his head to the side, then chuckles awkwardly.  “Yeah, I kn-know, you, you said yesterday, he, he was making it all up, I get it, it's no big d-deal.”

 

“It is, though!” I insist, a little too loud.  “Because I don't want you thinking that the things he said are true!”

 

His eyes dart to the table, staring at a piece of old chewing gum like it's the most interesting thing in the world.  “Even.. even the stuff about you, like.. getting paid, and stuff? Like, like car insurance, or… whatever?”

 

My shoulders sag.  “Dude, I-” I sigh. “Only for a little bit, I, it wasn't like that, though, it, well, I said sorry, did-didn't I?”  I reach forward for his arm instinctively. “I would never ask to be  _ paid  _ in exchange for being your friend, that's-”

 

“Jared.. you don't need to explain, it's okay, it.. it's in the past, so, so like, it's fine, okay?  It's fine. Don't worry about it,” he mumbles as he shrugs me off.  

 

_ It's not, though.   _

 

We sit in silence for another minute, then he abruptly turns to me, reaching up to my face.

 

My heart pounds so loud I think he must be able to hear it, too, it's like it's full of caffeine and about to burst, a jackhammer heart just pounding along in my chest, holy crap!

 

I lean forward slightly as he comes closer, his hand gently grazing my cheek, and… oh.

 

His hand stays there, and he doesn't move any closer, just squints and frowns.  “Y-your cheek is still k-kind of purple… if you want, um, I can bring over some nice healing salves later?  I'm s-sure Nurse Davies had some good ointments, but I have this lovely arnica cream I found at the farmer’s market the other day- there's a spa tent, did-did you know that?  They sell some nice plant-based products for your skin, there's makeup, soaps, p-perfumes, stuff like that!”

 

It's cute the way he gets excited about little things like plant medicine for my eggplant-coloured bruise, it almost makes me forget all the shit going on.  Almost.  _ Almost _ .  God, his eyes are so pretty.

 

“Yeah,” I say, dazed, gazing right back at him as he holds my face carefully in his hand.  “Sounds.. good.”

 

“Great!” He squeaks, dropping his hand, snapping me back to reality.  “I'll, um, come over later then? You can have it, if-if you want, you should probably keep applying it until you're all better, anyway.  Christ, who knew an apple could cause so much damage?”

 

We both laugh, and I try to forget the way it felt to have his soft hand on the side of my face.

 

Evan’s eyes suddenly widen.  “Oh! I forgot to t-tell you, I always liked these glasses, the-the frames are nice. You should get these redone!  I th-think the tortoiseshell looks better than the plain brown! And, and these are a bit bigger, which I think look better on you!”

 

“Really?”  I take them off, looking down at the old pair.  “Thanks. I dunno. I always thought they were kinda dumb.”

 

He shakes his head, then reaches forward, taking them from me to wipe them with his shirt.  Evan places the glasses back on me carefully, sliding them in place. “There! Th-they were pretty dirty.  I told you, you gotta take them off by the arms! Not touching the glasses part! That's how they get all g-gross and oily and stuff!”

 

I roll my eyes, grinning.  “Wait until  _ you  _ get glasses!  They'll get dirty every two minutes!”

 

“Alana’s are always clean!” he counters, a playful smile on his lips.  "Be-besides, my eyes are  _great_ , I don't need glasses!"

 

“Hmph.”  I pull out my phone again, looking at my reflection in the selfie-mode camera.   _ Whaddya know?  Maybe I don't look so bad after all _ .

 

“There you are!  You forgot this.”  Connor comes into view, his cologne even more overbearing.  He drapes Evan’s sweater over his shoulder before bending down to kiss him on the top of his head.

 

I think I throw up a little in my mouth.  Classic Connor, showing up just when things between Evan and me are really good.

 

Evan turns to him, his eyes glittering with love.  “Thank you, C-Connie!” He slips his arms through the sleeves of the cardigan, hugging it tightly around him.  

 

"Yeah, no prob!" Connor says as he sits beside him.

 

 

I pretend to continue looking at my phone as this conversation goes on, but it makes me feel nauseous, my stomach getting all twisty.  

 

“Shit!”

 

My head jerks up to see Jeremy approaching our table, looking very pissed off.

 

“What-what's wrong?” Evan pipes up.

 

He sighs as he plops himself down dejectedly to sit.  “Kevin wouldn't even look at me. He just said he didn't want to talk to me, and understood that I apparently don't, and to just forget about it.  Then he left.”

 

None of us say anything for a moment.  Then, Connor speaks.

 

“Keep trying, dude.  Persistence is key here.  Let him know you're actually sorry and won't take no for an answer, let him know you care.  Don't be annoying about it, though, just be casual, you know? Be chill.”

 

At that last word, Jeremy flinches, but I think I'm the only one who notices.  “Yeah.. you're right. I just feel like my entire life is me apologising.” He rests his chin on his palm.  “Even when it's not technically  _ my  _ fault,” he adds.  

 

“Even if it was your SQUIP thing, you still obeyed it and hurt everyone,” I whisper to him, a bit pissed off that  _ he's  _ playing the victim.  

 

“Otherwise I got an electric shock!” Jeremy hisses back under his breath.

 

“Still,” I grumble.  I mean, I know I shouldn't be saying this, I never experienced it, I don't know completely what it was all like, but I'm  _ sick  _ of him being all ‘woe is me’ all over the place.  

 

Jeremy sighs and plucks one of my fries from my tray.  “I wish I could just go back in time.” He pops it in his mouth, and immediately, his face contorts, and he spits it out into a napkin.  “Ugh, school food is shit no matter where you are.”

 

That makes Evan and Connor chuckle, but I stay silent and think instead about the day Jeremy is finally out of here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not a good thing to say, but honestly, the fic just goes downhill from here. Argh. As if it didn't already, amirite? Anyway, hope everyone is enjoying the summer.
> 
> -Jared


	10. Awkward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brothers bond briefly in a strange situation.

 

At school, I still have a sort of ‘clique’, so to speak, but it feels weird, these people liking the (sort of) squipped me.  I wonder what it would be like if they got to see who I actually am.

 

Kevin is in a few of my classes, which is awkward as hell.  Anytime I try to talk to him, he gives me this look; hurt, scared, and angry.  It makes my chest tighten with guilt.

 

He looks happy enough with his other friends, but as soon as he sees me, his mood seems to deflate.  

 

Honestly, I give up.

 

Instead, I try and focus on school, and calling Christine, Michael, and the others when I can.

 

Apparently, Brooke and Jenna are still dating, which is pretty cute, and Jake and Chloe have managed to keep their thing going.  I wonder if Rich and Michael would ever date. I could always see if either of them are interested in Jared, but maybe that would be too weird, dating someone who looks like me.  

 

Why do I even want Jared to have a boyfriend?  Why do I even care? I mean, yeah, he's my twin brother, but  _ still _ .

 

Okay.  I need to get my mind off of everything.

 

And that, for some ungodly reason, means porn.  Yup. 

 

Even opening my computer reminds me of whenever the SQUIP shocked me and made me do push-ups.  To be fair, I did lose quite a bit of weight and stopped eating so many Oreos, too.

 

Still.  I need a distraction.

 

I open an incognito window just in case.  The computer is all mine, only I know the password, but the slightest possibility of someone going through my browser history scares me half to death, so incognito mode it is.

 

 

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door, and, without waiting for an answer, Jared steps in, looking exhausted.

 

_ Shit _ .   Panic surges through me and I turn the computer away from him instead of closing it so that the video can properly load

 

“Hey, uh, my parents- er- our mom, my dad, want to know what you want for dinner.”  His eyes land on my laptop. “Is that a Pac-Man sticker?” he asks, coming over to the makeshift bed.

 

“Um… yeah?  My friend, uh, Michael, he even has a Pac-Man tattoo on his arm.”   _Please don't come any closer_.

 

His eyes widen.  “Seriously? That's so cool!  There's an arcade not too far from Kingpin, Evan and I used to go and play it all the time!  And then, of course, he'd drag me over to play fucking Skeeball, and would win a bunch of tickets which he would spend on dumb shit like those little animal-shaped erasers and mood rings and shit like that.  He has a whole sticker collection from stickers he got  _ just  _ from that prize counter.  And- holy shit! I  _ love  _ The Black Suits!” He exclaims pointing excitedly at the sticker.  “I always dreamed about being in the band \- literally!  I once, oh, this is hella embarrassing, but I once actually had a dream where Evan and I were both in the band? It was great! ”

 

I momentarily forget about my own situation and realise how charming it is that Jared gets super happy whenever he talks about Evan.

 

And then it all comes flooding back when he points at my  not-so-casually-hidden l aptop again.  “What were you doing?” he asks suspiciously.  “You better not be looking up other ways to destroy my life.

 

I shake my head very fast, wincing.  _ Why can’t you just mind your own business?  I guess after what I did, though, it would make sense if he doesn’t trust me. _

 

He wrinkles his forehead.  “Dude, you're a shitty liar.  Show me.”

 

“It's not!” I assure him a bit too loudly.

 

Jared crosses his arms.

 

“It's…”  _ Come on!  Come up with a lie!  Quick! _   “It's a… it's an embarrassing photo?  You don't want to see a picture of me and Michael as kids, trust me.”

 

His face softens.  “Wait, seriously? That's cute.  I-”

 

“Okay, I lied, it's  porn!” I practically holler, showing him the screen as I hang my head.

 

Jared blinks, then bursts out laughing.  “Holy fuck! Wow!  _ Wow.   _ Uh, sorry for barging in, I guess?  And asking you to show me, Jesus, I just put you in an awkward spot!"

 

I shrug guiltily.  Ugh. _   This is the worst.  He probably thinks I'm the grossest person alive. _

 

“You know, the door locks, by the way,” he informs me with a smirk.

 

I groan  and pull my laptop back around.   “Thanks for the tip.  Please don't tell anyone, okay?”

 

He gives me a thumbs-up.  “Please tell me you at least didn't do anything before I came in.”

 

I feel like I'm burning up with a fever.  “No, just opened up my computer…”

 

Laughing again, he sits down on the bed.  “Good!”

 

 

 

Trying to get over my embarrassment, I face him, deciding to make him feel embarrassed, too.  "You talk about Evan  _so much_ ," I tease.  "It's so obvious you're into him.  I'm surprised he didn't know before... uh.." I falter.

 

Jared turns pink.  “Shut up!”

 

“You know, maybe if you grow out your hair and dressed like you are from the early 2000s and buy everything from Hot Topic, then he might fall for you!”

 

He sticks his tongue out at me.  “God, I wish I could get over this stupid crush.  I've liked him for  _ so  _ long, Jeremy!  Gah! How have you gotten over your crushes?”

 

I smirk, putting aside my laptop.  “I've only had one, and she's my girlfriend now.”

 

“Well, no need to  _ brag _ ,” he jokes.  “Dude, it's, like, anything he does,  _anything_ , my heart starts fucking pounding  I  _hate_ it!  He's just too cute..."

 

He seems to, even slightly, enjoy talking to me.  Huh. That's.. kind of a nice feeling, actually.

 

Jared sighs and frowns.  “But then Connor Murphy came along and they have a really great connection and have been through so much together, spent the hardest months of their lives side-by-side, and meanwhile, I treated Evan like shit for the past, like, seven years.  That can't beat the way we were as kids, close friends, and yet, for some strange reason, he actually wants to be friends with me, too? But I can't compare to Connor, the things they shared. They're in love. And honestly, they're great, they're  _ perfect  _ together.  Meanwhile, I'm stuck here pining and spilling my guts to my twin brother I've only known for a little while.”

 

I wonder what happened with Connor and Evan, but I decide not to push it and ask.  It's not his story to tell, and it's none of my business anyway.

 

Luckily, he saves me.  “So, anyway, dinner?”

 

I shrug.  “Any takeout places you like?”

 

“There's a Papa Johns?” He offers.  

 

My stomach growls.   _ Yes, pizza! _   I nod, giving him a thumbs up.  “Sounds perfect!”

 

“You good with plain, or do you want something on it?”

 

I personally am a pepperoni kind of guy, but I also don't want to seem like an inconvenience, especially not after all that I've done, so I shake my head.   “Plain is good.”

 

He gives me a little salute, then heads to the door.  “Anytime you wanna be a perv, don't forget to lock the door!"

 

“Jared!” I complain.

 

“Have fun!” He laughs obnoxiously.

 

I lob a pillow at his head, which narrowly misses.  He sticks up his middle finger before leaving.

 

Well, by now I have zero interest anymore, so I lean back in bed and open Netflix, ready to watch whatever shitty sitcoms are 'recommended' for my account.

 

Maybe Jared and I can be cool after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has got to be the dumbest chapter I've ever written, but I like it because I thought it worked well with the characters. This was kind of bound to happen sooner or later.
> 
> Again, sorry for this fic decreasing in quality as I go.
> 
> I'm also taking fic requests and stuff? So, uh, check out my bio, if you like.
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> -Jared


	11. Pinkberry makes friends (and fro-yo)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared meets Jeremy's friends.

Jeremy wakes me up at noon with incessant pounding on the door.

 

Groggily, I open up, not even caring that I'm in my Adventure Time BMO oversized tee (courtesy of Evan, so I wear it as much as possible, creep that I am), and my Tweety Bird boxers on display.

 

Jeremy looks me over and shakes his head.  “ _ That's  _ what you wear to sleep?”

 

I ignore the comment.  “Why did you wake me up?  I was having a great dream, and you ruined it, asshole.”   _ Okay, maybe it’s good he interrupted my dream about me going on a romantic date with my best friend _ .

 

He brushes past me into my room, flopping onto my bed.

 

“Gee, come on in, why dontcha?” I grumble to myself, tugging a hand through my messed-up bedhead.  

 

“My friends are coming!” He exclaims suddenly.  “The whole squad! Christine, Michael, Jake, Rich, Jenna, Chloe, and Brooke!”

 

_ Squad?  Seriously?  Lordy _ .  “Oh.  Joy.”

 

Jeremy sits up, hugging my Bulbasaur plush (also from Evan) to his chest.  It kind of pisses me off that he's getting his stupid grubby hands all over it, but whatever.  I'll let it slide.

 

“I, uh, I was wondering if maybe you want to meet them?”

 

My eyebrows jump up my forehead.  “You want your popular ‘squad’ to meet  _ me _ ?”

 

He gives me a little smile.  “They think it's cool I have a twin.  Plus, they aren't as intimidating as you may think.  They want to meet for food, what kind of places do you have over here?  You can also bring Evan, if you want. I was gonna suggest Connor, too, even, uh, what are their names?  Alana and Zoe? But I figured you'd want to have Evan only,” he finishes with a wink.

 

Well, he's not wrong.  Finally, I have an excuse to have Evan to myself.  Kind of. Anyway,  _ ew _ .  “To myself”?  _ Gross _ .  Creep alert!

 

“Uh, okay,” I say slowly.  “We have Wendy’s, Starbucks, Panera, Chipotle, Pinkberry,” I tick them off on my fingers.  “We also have a Sbarro’s, Taco Bell, and, of course, Papa Johns.”

 

He perks up.  “Pinkberry! I forgot about that!” Jeremy springs up from my bed, thankfully releasing Bulbasaur from his clutches.  “Get dressed! I'll tell them to meet us here in ten!”

 

“W-” 

 

The door closes as he hums happily to himself.

 

“-ait,” I finish lamely.  

 

Pulling out my phone, I text Evan.

 

_ ‘Jeremy’s ‘squad’ are coming here out of nowhere and want to go to Pinkberry.  You wanna join?’ _

 

There's no response for a few minutes as I get dressed, and I panic.   _ Okay, just because it's longer than his instant reply since he feels too bad about making people wait, it doesn't mean something has happened! _

 

Nervously, I peer out the window to the window of his room.  

 

The sight makes me almost choke.

 

His curtains are only half-drawn…  _ is he doing this to  _ tease  _ me? _

 

Even though they're drawn, however, I can still get a full, perfect view of his body,  more specifically, his half-naked body, his khaki-covered butt facing my way, his muscular and slightly freckled back in my sight.

 

I rest my head on my hand, taking in the sight.   _ Fucking pervert _ .  Still...

 

He puts on a shirt, and I almost groan from disappointment.  

 

Suddenly, my head lifts as he picks up his phone, and...  _ did he just smile _ ?  I watch as he quickly types out a response, and glance down as my phone turns on with a notification.

 

_ ‘Sounds awesome!  Time?’ _

 

Grinning like an idiot myself, I tap the keyboard to reply.  

 

_ ‘They're coming here in a few, apparently, so get your ass over here!’ _

 

I resist the urge to add, ‘cute ass’, and instead tuck away my phone.

 

\---

Evan appears looking cute as always, and I try not to drool as he prattles on about how his brand new basil plant is doing.

 

Suddenly, the doorbell rings, and before I can get up from the couch and walk the two yards to the door, Jeremy fucking  _ bolts _ down the stairs, and throws open the door.

 

The most attractive group of teenagers I've ever seen pour into the living room, chattering excitedly.  Not that I'm attracted to any of them, no, I just happen to notice that they have nice features is all. Lame as it is, I don't think I will ever find someone as beautiful as Evan.   _ Okay, wow, gay much? _

 

One of them, a rather short guy, even shorter than  _ me _ looks at me, his eyebrows jumping off of his face.  He smacks the guy next to him with a muscled  arm,  decorated with tattoos , and gestures over to me.

 

Suddenly, the buff guy comes up to me, a red shock in his blond hair making me stare, followed by the tall guy, dressed in neon clothes that pop against his deep brown skin, both of them looking at me like I'm some exotic specimen.

 

Jeremy notices and gets the other handful of his friends to go over to me.

 

_ Holy shit _ ,  _ he has so many friends! _

 

“Dude, you weren't kidding when you said your twin looks  _ just  _ like you!” The short one exclaims with a slight lisp.

 

A girl with black and purple frizzy hair and a hot pink shirt announcing ‘#BEAUTIFUL’ rolls her eyes.  “They're  _ twins,  _ Rich. ”

 

The others chuckle, and I can only stare.

 

Finally, Jeremy sighs.  “Well, I can see you met Rich,” he points to the blond, “and Jake,” tall guy, “and here are the rest of the gang.”  Jeremy tilts his head over at the girl in the pink shirt. “That's Jenna.”

 

The three give me a smile, Rich saying “Yo,” Jake lightly punching my shoulder with a “What's up, homeslice?” and Jenna shoving her phone in my face.  “Insta name?”

 

“Um…” I take a step back from Jenna.  “It's…” I glance at Jeremy and his friends and feel a bit embarrassed.  “It’s.. ‘theyseemebowlin69’” I mumble. “No ‘g’ at the end.”

 

Jenna’s face lights up.  “Holy shit, really? My last name is ‘Rolan’, so I'm ‘THEYSEEMEROLAN’ in all caps!  And now I’m following you! You better follow me back, though, got it?”

 

“Yeah…” I give her an awkward thumbs up, then look over at Evan helplessly, who seems just as overwhelmed as I feel, and he's not even experiencing this!

 

Likely not noticing or just plain ignoring my discomfort, Jeremy points to two girls standing together in clothing that I'm guessing are solely from Forever 21.  “That's Chloe, the one on the left, and Brooke.”

 

“Hi..”

 

Chloe gives me a little cutesy wave, and Brooke seems to mimic her.   _ Weeeiiiirrrd _ .

 

“This is my best bro Michael,” he continues, grabbing the shoulder of a guy with light brown skin and shiny dark hair, with chunky glasses and chunkier headphones.  He also has a ridiculous, but also cool, jacket on, deep bloodred leather, covered with patches and pins, one of which I notice is a little enamel pin with Pikachu drinking a bubble tea, the best pin I've ever seen.   _ Maybe I'll ask him where he got it, fucking awesome guy _ .

 

Michael nods at me and throws up a peace sign.  “Heyo.”

 

Turning to the girl on the other side, Jeremy’s face gets pink and he beams.  “And last but most certainly not least, my wonderful girlfriend Christine!”

 

Christine, a petite girl in a sky blue dress and pink denim jacket gives me a massive grin.  “Hi, hi, hi! Jeremy told me lots about you- do you really like bowling, because I love bowling!  I also once did a performance piece with Jere at a bowling alley!”

 

At that, Jeremy covers his mouth to hide a smile.

 

She comes up close to me and whispers loudly; “We gave birth to the bowling balls!”

 

The others cackle, and she curtsies, and I chuckle a bit, too.

 

“Um…” I push up my glasses.  “As you know, I'm Jared, Jeremy’s dorky twin brother?”  I wince.  _ Why did that have to come out as a question?  Why did I even say that? _

 

However, they seem to roll with it.  “Also.. guys, this is my best friend, Evan.”  I lamely point over at Evan, who lets out a nervous little squeak.   _ They better not crowd him or induce any sort of panic... or else _ .

 

Everyone waves at him, except for Michael, who leans over and whispers to Jeremy something, and I catch him looking over at me.  I changed my mind. I don't like Michael. Except for his Pokémon pin. It's too awesome. He's probably whispering to ask if Evan is the guy that I'm crushing hard on.  Jeremy gives a slight nod, and I assume that answers the question I pictured in my head.

 

Rich is the first to approach him, and I almost scream when he fucking  _ sits next to Evan _ and drapes an arm around the back of the couch, a bit behind Evan’s shoulders.  “I'm Rich, nice to meetcha!” He sticks out a hand to shake.

 

Evan freezes for a moment, wipes his hand on his thigh, then shakes.  “E-Evan.” He cocks his head. “Y-you have a l-lot of tattoos,” he observes.  Hurriedly, his eyes widen and he backs away a few inches. “Wait! N-not that there's anything wrong with it or anything, I think t-tattoos look cool, but I don't think I'd ever get one, you know?  B-but that doesn't mean people shouldn't! I just get freaked out b-by needles… oh my god, I'm going to shut up now.” Evan covers his face with his hands, groaning.

 

Rich pats his back.  “Hey, dude, it's all good!  Yeah, I was scared shitless when I first got mine, but it didn't even hurt that bad!  Plus, I think it looks pretty rad.”

 

Evan slowly lifts his head, moving his hands away.  “Pretty r-rad,” he echoes slowly. “They're pretty rad!”

 

The other boy laughs, not in a mocking way, but in a kind-hearted nice way.  “I like your shirt, Evan!”

 

“Hm?”  Evan looks down at his top.  I finally notice, my heart thumping, that it's an old Black Suits shirt I lent him once after a sleepover  _ ages _ ago.  “Th-this is actually Jarey’s... T-the Black Suits are p-pretty good, though!”

 

Rich claps excitedly, then pushes up his right sleeve.  “Look! I got their logo!” He flexes, and Evan gingerly touches it in awe.

 

_ Seriously? _

 

Luckily, Chloe steps in.  “Alright, Rich, that's enough flirting for now,” she rolls her eyes, smirking.  “Plus, I'm  _ hungry _ !”

 

“I wasn't!” Rich protests, standing up.

 

“Right,” Jake says slowly, giving him a look, and Chloe snickers.

 

Rich sticks his tongue out at both of them.  “You both suck, you know that?”

 

“Aw, you love us!” Chloe teases, then blows a playful kiss at him.

 

He gives her the finger.

 

Jeremy heads over to the door.  “Come on, guys! To Pinkberry!”

\---

In my car, since it only sits five, it's me, Evan, Jeremy, Rich, and Jake, the rest in Michael’s car.  

 

I suggest Evan sits in the front with me so the others can chat properly, but really, it's because I don't think I could handle a car ride knowing that Rich is in the back and probably flirting with Evan.

 

Michael’s car follows mine, and I'm also pretty happy that he isn't with us now because, sheesh, really don't like that dude.

 

We get to Pinkberry, and, being the gentleman that I am, open the car door for Evan, and, reluctantly, for the rest of the guys in the back.

 

There's now a mass of about a dozen of us standing outside of Pinkberry in the parking lot before Brooke just marches on ahead in front of us and opens the door, giving a look back at us like, ‘So?  Are you coming, or what?’

 

We pool inside, and my gut gets an all-too-familiar feeling.   _ How did I even forget? _

 

“I didn't expect to see you here!” Connor calls, smiling from behind the counter, pointing at Evan with a spoon from the toppings section. 

 

_ He does the occasional weekend shift at Pinkberry _ .   _ Fucking lovely _ .

 

Evan bounds over to him, and, since the group of us are the only ones in the store, he gives Connor a little kiss on the cheek, albeit a very shy one.

 

“Too bad, man,” I hear a voice say. 

 

I turn around, a bit alarmed, wondering and panicking that someone knows about my crush on him.   _ Well, based on Jeremy’s big mouth, I'm sure both his entire friend group  _ and  _ the whole school knows _ .  

 

However, it's only Jenna giving Rich a teasing look as he visibly deflates.

 

“It's okay, Jared is in the same boat as you there, Richie,” Michael quips, nodding at me.

 

_ The nerve! _   I clench my fists for a moment, then release.  “Ha! Y-yeah, as  _ if _ !  I don't like Evan at all!” I say with a proud but wavering voice.

 

Michael fixes me with a knowing look, and I turn away.   _ Maybe I should have suggested Dairy Queen instead _ .

 

Everyone places their order, and Connor gives them all a discount, which is nice, I guess.  Meanwhile, I don't get anything, because heaven knows that if I have to look into his eyes as I order, he will know that I dream about his boyfriend, and things will go to the shittiest of shit.  So, I stand awkwardly off to the side, watching Jeremy have fun with all his friends, catching up and whatnot.

 

Suddenly, a cup of passion fruit fro-yo appears below my nose, decorated with gummy bears.

 

My eyes lift to meet Evan’s sparkling ones, and he edges it closer.  “Hey, y-you didn't order anything, but I figured you'd still want some, s-so here, I got you this.  It's still y-your fave, right?”

 

I can't help but smile at him as I accept the cup.  “Yeah, thanks.”  

 

He leans against the wall I'm standing by and scoops a generous load of chocolate-hazelnut into his mouth.  “Ah ou oh-kayh?”

 

I dig my pink spoon shallowly around a yellow bear.  “Yeah, I'm okay,” I mutter, but I know it doesn't sound all that convincing.

 

His inquisitive and worried eyes peer closer, his face  _ so  _ close to me.  “Are you sure?” 

 

Quickly, I move back a step, turning my head away.  “I told you, I'm fine,” I say bitterly.

 

Evan doesn't say anything more, just gives me another concerned look and pats my shoulder.  

 

_ This is so embarrassing.   _ Hoping that nobody sees me, I duck out of the shop and sit instead on the concrete curb of the parking lot, absentmindedly stirring the fro-yo as it makes a weird smoothie of passion fruit and gummy bears.

 

A shadow crosses mine, and someone sits beside me.  

 

_ Shit _ .

 

“Hey, I saw you just sorta ducked out of there, is everything okay, man?”

 

_ Rich?! _

 

His fingers tap the half-empty cup of what looks like chocolate-hazelnut.  “You looked sad,” he continues.

 

I grunt softly, continuing to swirl the fro-yo soup.  “Yeah. I'm good.”

 

He looks at me sideways.  “Did Jere tell you about last year?”

 

I put the cup aside with a sigh.  “Kinda, yeah.” I shake my head. “Listen, Rich, I’m sorry, I'm just... I'm not in the mood for a chat right now, okay?”

 

He ignores me.  “There was this party, and, well, I'm sure you know about the SQUIP and mine was driving me crazy, like,” he lowers his voice.  “Psycho crazy.” Rich sticks the spoon in his mouth for another bite. “And anyway, I was going fucking  _ insane  _ because of the SQUIP, trying to get it out and to destroy it once and for all,  and, well, I set a fire.  I set fire to my best friend-slash-crush’s house.  I didn't hear the end of it for months. Everyone was gossiping about it, and I had to go to the hospital, it was hell.  When I got out of there at last, the casts were gone and I was left with these.” He gestures to his left side, the skin of his muscular arms are scarred, the side of his face, too.  “I returned to school without a SQUIP, but my lisp returned and I was stuck with burns all over. People called me ‘Two-face’ for so long. I tried to keep my swagger, the way I used to be, you know?  With the SQUIP? But it was hopeless.” He runs the pad of his forefinger on his left cheek. “People saw me as a freak. It made me feel like a freak, too.”

 

At that word, I flinch.   _ That's how I made Connor feel.  Probably even Evan, after I initially teased him about his broken arm _ .

 

“And I thought that people would only see the scars, not the ‘real Richard Goranksi.’  And that was kind of true, except my old friends, then Jeremy and Michael, they saw the real me.  Because of that, I'm feeling better and better every day. The thing that stings though is that Jake still doesn't look at me the same way.  I mean, yeah, he has every right  _ not  _ to, I fucking burned down his house!  And he tries to act like we’re still friends, but I know we're not.  He was, however, one of the few people who remembered me from freshman year; scrawny, short-ass Richard Goranski, lisp and all.” 

 

I have no idea how to respond to this, so I just sit silently, waiting for him to continue.  “He got back together with Chloe, too, so there went my stupid gay, well, _bi_ , hopes and dreams!” he says with a dry chuckle.  “I fucked things up real bad. I hate that I got that fucking SQUIP! And, and because I got it, I treated people like shit, and then I told Jeremy, who I used to  _ bully  _ to get one, too, and he hurt people from that, just like me!  I started this mess.”

 

I put a hesitant hand on his scarred shoulder, over his tattoo of a drum set.  “It's not your fault, it's the SQUIP, it told you what to do. It hurt you just as much as it hurt others, and you can't blame yourself for how it used you to affect other people.  Besides, who doesn't want to get more popular, get cooler? Of course, you'd get that shitty piece of computer tech.” I shake my head. “Hell, so would I, if I didn't know what it did to you guys.”

 

He looks at me, a sad smile on his face.  “Thanks. You're a nice guy. God, look at me, I came out here to cheer you up, and now you're the one helping  _ me _ .”

 

I laugh softly and give his shoulder one last squeeze.  “I wanted to be ‘cool’, too, but instead of getting a SQUIP, I just made myself into an asshole.  Well, I probably always was and will be an asshole, but I got really bad, and said things, not because someone or some _ thing _ told me to, but because I wanted to, I wanted to do whatever it took!”  Gritting my teeth, I stab at a gummy bear, effectively decapitating it, a lonely blue head stuck to the spoon.  “Of course, that meant ruining my relationship with the best thing that ever happened to me. I know Jeremy got his SQUIP to get with the girl he liked, but it focused more on popularity.  For me, I picked popularity over Evan all on my own. At the time, I didn't even care. I just wanted people to-” I stop.  _ Shit, shit, shit!   _ “I mean.. not Evan.  It was a girl. Not, I don't, I don't know why I said  _ Evan,  _ her name is, uh,  _ Eva _ .”  

 

Rich clearly does not believe me and gives me a half-grin. “Dude, it's all good, you don't need to lie about it.”

 

I eat a spoonful of frozen yogurt.  “I was a dick to Evan, and now he's dating someone else, and I'm left all broken-hearted and it's  _ pathetic _ ,” I spit, frustrated.  “He's all I have, he's my best and  _ only  _ friend in the entire world, and I fucked it up so long ago because I was more concerned about being seen as the ‘cool guy’ or whatever, instead of the loser who hung out with shy and poor Evan Hansen, even though I've always been smitten with him.  And here we fucking are. Now, Evan has Connor, and my relationship with Evan is changed forever, I have a twin I didn't know existed until, like, a  _ week  _ ago, a twin who is the ‘new and improved’ me with, like, fifty friends even though he  _ also _ fucked up so much, and yet he gets to have  _ everything _ , he knew I existed, he got to live with a person who is genuinely his dad, and even Mom for some time, he hurt his friends and still has everyone and everyone loves him, and he's awesome, even without the SQUIP, and he doesn't sit like a fucking garbage human being spilling his guts to someone he hardly knows!”  With that, I crush the cup with my hand, a bit of yogurt spilling out on top, getting on my hand. “I'm sorry,” I whisper, ashamed. “I didn't mean to go off like that.”

 

Rich offers me a napkin, shrugging.  “It's okay. I get it. I'm a bit jealous of Jeremy, too.  Yeah, I made his life a living hell during sophomore and most of our junior year, but he's still standing stronger than ever, a whole squad of friends, without any, well,  _ physical  _ reminders of the experience, his best friend back,  _ and  _ the girl of his dreams in his arms.  Plus, and yeah, okay, maybe he sees it as a bit of a downside, but he has a brother now.  I wish I had a brother as cool as you.”

 

I scoff.  “You do _not_ want someone like  _ me  _ as a brother.  But I appreciate the sentiment.”

 

Rich grins shyly.  “How about a friend?”

 

Chuckling, I offer my fist for a fistbump.

 

He pounds it, making an explosion noise, which I mimic.

 

Rich laughs a bit suddenly.

 

“Hm?” I look over at him curiously.

 

“Man, I'm sorry,” he says, still laughing.

 

I wrinkle my eyebrows.  “For what?”

 

Rich gestures back at Pinkberry.  “For flirting with that blond piece of ass earlier!”

 

I crack up, feeling happy tears spring to my eyes.  “I mean, I don’t blame you!”

 

“Right?  Like,  _ hot damn _ !”

 

We both continue to laugh together, the sun shining warmly on us.

 

After a couple of minutes, he sighs, catching his breath.  “Fuck unreciprocated love, am I right?”

 

“Amen, brother.”  I lift my crushed cup to him.  “Fuckin’ amen.”

 

The others come out suddenly, and head over to us.

 

Evan plops down in the middle of us.  “Jare, you, um, you feeling better?”

 

I nod.  “Yeah, yeah I am, thanks.”  I bite my lip, putting the cup aside again.  “You don't get enough credit for being a kick-ass guy, you know that?”

 

He blushes and scratches the back of his neck.  “Wh-where's that c-coming from?”

 

I smile and ruffle his hair.  “Just needed to be said.”

 

Quickly, he dives forward, hugging me tightly.

 

I allow myself to hold onto the moment for a bit before looking up over his shoulders.  I catch Rich’s eye and mouth, ‘Fuck unreciprocated love!’, which makes him snicker.

 

Evan pulls away, a bit fast for my tastes, and turns to Rich.  “Um, d-d-did you like your f-frozen yogurt? What flavor did you g-get?”

 

Rich shows Evan his almost-finished cup.  “Only the best one there is, chocolate-hazelnut.  It's fucking Nutella as fro-yo!”

 

Clapping his hands in delight, Evan beams.  “Th-that's my favourite flavor, too!”

 

“If you didn't like chocolate, I don't think I could be friends with you anyway,” Rich sighs jokingly.

 

“Hey!” I exclaim, pouting.  “Vanilla is superior!”  I hold up my crushed cup.  "So is passion fruit.  Literally _everything_ is better than chocolate."

 

Rich sticks his tongue out at me.  “Weirdo.”

 

“B-both are equal!” Evan protests, putting a hand on each of our shoulders.

 

Automatically, both Rich and I look down at his hand on us.

 

That seems to wipe our minds of the debate quickly.

 

After an awkward second or two, Rich pipes up at last, “Well, I guess Evan is my new friend then, sorry Jared!”

 

Evan looks at him with surprise, his hands dropping back to his sides, much to my disappointment.  And Rich's, I assume. “F-f-friend?”

 

“Friend,” Rich confirms.  

 

That makes Evan smile a little to himself.  “Now I have Jared, Connor, Zoe, Alana, and  _ Rich _ as my friends!”

 

 

I feel my face get warm.  

 

Evan looks back at Rich, his head tilted to the side.  “Um, Rich?  I have, this, um, this cream?  It's a, um, burn salve. M-my.. boyfriend… uses it, and it's helped him a lot, and maybe… maybe you would want to try it out?  S-sorry, I didn't mean to, uh…I know people are embarrassed about their scars, so I sh-shouldn't have said anything, and, uh...” he trails off, ducking his head.

 

However, Rich looks pleased by this.  “That's really nice of you, Evan. Yeah, maybe I'll try it out, thank you!”

 

“R-really?” Evan looks at him with surprise.  “I live right next door to J-Jare’s, I can bring it over when we g-go back!”

 

“Sounds good to me,” Rich says, patting his back.

 

It hits me suddenly that they have a lot in common, Evan and Rich.  They both have suffered, been severely injured, like in Rich’s case, where it was some sort of crazy attempt to protect people from the SQUIP, and Evan with his arm... They both are really nice, like to help…. I shake my head.  No. Evan and Connor are already dating, it's not like Evan would suddenly pick Rich anyway… right?

 

Rich’s hand lingers on Evan’s back, but when he catches me looking, he pulls it back, giving me an apologetic look.

 

I just shrug.   _ Whatever.  Evan and Connor are totally gonna stay together forever, but even if they don't, I know Ev would go for fucking  _ Rich  _ because he's still cool, attractive, fun, and nice.   And me? Well _ .   _ Only in my wildest dreams _ .  God.  I hate feeling jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, I had a weird idea where Rich has a bit of a crush on Evan? I dunno. Maybe it's too weird.
> 
> -Jared


End file.
